In The Bedroom

We've been married for three years and some change. (Who's counting?) Most people say this is when newlyweds lose the "spark" in the bedroom. Not us. You want to know our secret?

Video Chat.

From a different room. Completely clothed. I'm even wearing a cardigan under the sheets.

Sometimes if I'm feeling frisky, I'll smudge all of my make up and it looks like I have two black eyes. It drives Bryan wild.

Bend and Snap

It's happened. I just did the inevitable mom bend-over. I knew this would happen one day, but not so soon. You know what I'm talking about -- the most un-sexy, pragmatic bend over possible. You aren't familiar? Let me explain.

Drop something small while standing.
Prepare your knees, they should be shoulder-width apart. The wider, the better.
Bend not only at your knees but also at your hips, keeping your legs wide. You should be able to stick your head in between and wave if necessary.
Make sure your butt is sticking straight up and out. Also, this will make you look about 30 lbs heavier, instantly.
Stay in this position for 10 or more seconds.
Do this right in front of your husband. He will pretend to ignore you, but his mind is ensuring the suspicions that the best years are now in the past. 

Three years of marriage and I've lost all of the sexy I borrowed from the TBS-edited episodes of Sex in the City. I brought sexy back just to put sweatpants on her and pull her unwashed hair into a tight, uneven bun.

The mister is doomed.