well isn't that funny?

two things:

1. i hate it when we run into someone that knows my husband and they say "oh my gosh, it's nice to meet you! we hear you are really funny..." and then everyone turns and looks at me, waiting for me to say a real zinger. and it never fails -- I will stand there with my mouth wide open and not say a word. if i do say something it will be along the lines of "oh, really?" like i've never met this supposedly funny person you mention and then i blink twice, just to make things real awkward. this is when bryan gets nervous and says "oh, she's just shy. but reallly funny." and then ends it with a big, nervous laugh. everyone else laughs as well, because that's what people do in a big group with a lot of silence and little did those people know that i just made them laugh. success. without even saying a word. now that is funny.

2. if my ovaries could talk right now this is what they would say: "WE DECLARE WAR! REMEMBER THE ALAMO! NO PAIN, NO GAIN! SEEK AND DESTROY!!!" Let's just say, if my ovaries drove an old pick up truck, they would definetly have a decal on the back window that said "Ain't Skeered" and a sawed-off shot gun sitting in the front seat and they would be driving to play laser tag for the next 4 days straight while listening to Metallica. Hey, we've all got a little white trash in us somewhere. Mine just happens to be there.

bbq chips, marriage advice

the other day at lunch, i was apparently munching down hardcore on some barbecue chips. in fact, i must have been pretty hungry because i didn't even realize time had passed when i realized the new bag was almost empty. as i come to, i look up to find mister looking at me in astonishment. and then he says: "i didn't know you liked bbq chips so much." i shrugged and let that one go. then he said " you just don't look like that kind of girl." pause. confused, i say: "that kind of girl -- what is that suppose to mean?" he started back-tracking and apologized. then i finished the bag and let it go. then i put my cowboy boots back on, got in my big F150 and drove back to work on the farm. that kind of girl -- i still don't know what that's suppose to mean.

anyways, it got me thinking. see my sister in law is getting married in a week. and i was trying to think of some wisdom that i, a wife of 1 year and 5.5 months, could impart to the new happy couple. after the chip incident, i figured the new husband could use this advice:

to the new husband: if at any point, new wife says: "and what's that suppose to mean?" immediately retract everything you have said in the last 48 hours. you have pissed your wife off and it's not going to be pretty. why is it not going to be pretty? because you live together and she does your laundry now. you are trapped. repeat after me: happy wife, happy life. also -- take important things out of your pockets before you throw them into the dirty clothes hamper. it will be your fault.

an open letter to the real world

dear real world/corporate setting/employer:

i currently have the whitest, pastiest, toothpaste color skin that i have ever had in my life and I blame you. my skin hasn't seen sun in years. YEARS. or at least since i've entered the workforce. in fact, someone the other day commented on my pale skin and then tried to make me feel better by listing disney charecters that also flaunt pale skin: snow white, sleeping beauty, cinderella's step mom. this did not make me feel better. it just made me feel white and sad.

a girl at my world told me about the "magic bed" at a tanning salon here in town. supposedly 5 minutes a day for 1 week makes you really tan, like carribean tan. but i don't really like it when my body starts to smell like KFC because i'm tanning from the inside out. and it's $80. and that my friend, is an expensive way to fry. also, the name scares me. i don't want to get pregnant while getting an artificial tanning high.

oh real world, don't be sassy. i can just hear you know, "why don't you try one of those mystic tans? " why? i'll tell you why. because the last time i fake-baked, the tanning solution didn't take to my body, no, instead it all went to my face. and apparently i asked for the pumpkin tint, because my head was orange and i heard someone call me pumpkin face.

i just want to be tan. and get paid. all i'm asking for is just a little break from 2-4 every day so that i can layout with an iced tea from starbucks. look, i get it, i do. this is the real world, i need to accept it and move on like every other pasty adult.

All I'm saying is that I give you 40 hours of my life each week, why not give 8 back? it's just fair. actually, it's not really even fair, but i'll let that slide when i look more like pocahantas that snow white.

just think about, ok?

sincerely,

kendi

(note: i read this to my husband and he replied: "you're not that white." emphasis on that. which i think he was referring to the toothpaste comment. so i am not as white as toothpaste. hooray.)

where are you summer?

oh there you are. hiding behind my cubicle and 40-hour work week.

(just so you know, i miss you tan lines)

FAQ

why did i think bringing chocolate to work to keep me from eating it at home was a good idea?

 

i run at 6 am and i'm eating chocolate-covered almonds by 10 am. my body probably hates me.

 

(this just in from my stomach: confirmed, we hate you.)  

marathoning

a co-worker just told me that they could tell that i've been running. they said  that I am beginning to look like a runner. this makes me excited, since we've got a long way to go and we've just started training. that means i'll probably look like a freakin olympian by the time the half-marathon comes around.

 

of course, i wonder if she said i looked like a runner because i'm still wearing my running shorts, shoes and sweaty t-shirt. i thought i'd take a casual monday, since i dressed nice on friday.

24 years OLD.

I just found a gray hair.

correction: my hairdresser found a gray hair.

he pulled it out and I saved it. I wasn't sure if this was one of those things that you keep in a memory book or not. Like you know a first locket of hair, first tooth. First major sign of aging and stress. I remember my first wrinkle like it was yesterday. because it was. wrinkles one day, gray hairs the next. i'm afraid i'll be buying adult diapers tomorrow.

dog training

we got our new puppy, ramona, on friday. not only is she a precious addition to our little family, but she also has long, hairy legs (like her mother) that carlos likes to bite. this has become a problem, as you can imagine. Last night as Carloswas preparing to chomp down on our little princess' leg, Bryan scooped him up and said "No carlos! Don't bite her legs!" I smiled and thought "you'll make a good dad someday." and then he said this: "How would you like it if i bit your legs? huh? does this feel good to you?" and then he took a bite of Carlos' leg. Carlos yelped "mercy!" and he ran off to hide in a dark corner where he called a nurse friend over for some bandages and extra-strength tylenol.

 

People ask why we don't have kids. I'll tell you why. Because legs don't grow back. That's why.

Happy Mother's Day!!

I love you momma :)

"maybe you should just stay in the back"

We had this "corporate go work in the retail store day" (not the official name). Anyways, I went on Friday and realized after not working in retail for two years, I'm a little rusty on my customer service/social skills. I know what you are saying "Oh, Kendi...don't be so hard on yourself. I'm sure you were fine, I"m sure you didn't do anything wrong." That's sweet, it really is. But I think I made a few mistakes on my first day back to retail:
Let's see I:
-made a baby cry
-I lost a bracelet,
-I messed up an order
- I locked myself and subsequentially someone else in the bathroom
- I got there late, left early
- and then I accidentally told a lady in a wheel chair that "I'll get things rolling" for her.

Oh you're right, maybe I am just being hard on myself. I'm sure she gets that all the time, the wheelchair lady that is. And I bet that I was just showing all of the other employees up and that's why they told me to take a late lunch, stay in the back and leave early.

I feel much better now.

I am a gross person.

There are a lot of crumbs on my desk at work. That's pretty gross considering the last time I ate anything with crumb-potential was a couple of weeks ago. And I tasted those crumbs and they didn't taste like anything I've ate before. Maybe someone is eating at my desk before I get here in the morning or at night after I leave.

Either way, I wish they would clean up their mess.

home sweet rental

I'm getting antsy in our little rental. i've got the new-furniture-fever, which i get about twice a year. (and it's very expensive to medicate, trust.) it's just hard because a) i can't get an opinion out of husband and b) i'm not exactly sure of what i want. Plus we can't paint. and i really, really like the idea of slate colored walls with crisp white crown molding. what's a po' girl to do?

Happy Cinco!

Carlos wanted to post this himself, but alas no opposable thumbs.

"Still No Cases of Swine Flu in Kerr County"

http://www.dailytimes.com/story.lasso?ewcd=29a7a5bdd9e81a2e

Front page of the local paper. Bryan saw this headline and asked: "Since when is no news, front page news?"

Since we've moved to a village of 23,000 people, one wal-mart and a tanning salon called "Skin Deep". That's when.

I can just imagine everyone sitting around the "newsroom", patiently by their phones, waiting to hear from the hospital of the first confirmed case of swine flu. "Man, that will be the day dreams come true around here."

muffin tops

someone would bring a freaking pastry spread to work the day i decide i need to lose 10 pounds.

it's cool though, i don't like eating muffins. the top reminds me of what my mid-section looks like.

wishing and hoping

is it sad that it's may and i've already started my christmas wish list? or is it sad that there is only one holiday that is conducive to wishlists? now that's sad. maybe this is my Memorial Day wish list....

the virus formerly know as swine flu

i'm getting bored with this swine flu crap. but i found a funny article on changing the name from swine flu to something else(http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2009/05/were_open_to_suggestions_name.html) and i couldn't resist sharing some of my favorite new names for this pandemic, or should I say SPAMdemic?

the dizzy pig
the baconic plague
chorizo fever
aporkalypse
hamageddon
madsows disease
and my personal favorite:

Hamthrax.

i guess it's all fun and games until someone loses an eye -- and gains a snout.