You know the downside of being an involuntary housewife? You don't get a paycheck.

Antiques Anonymous

Bryan and I took a little walk downtown and ended up in an antique mall. Now I don't usual frequent antique malls for 2 reasons: 1) I have extreme ageism and I hate the smell of old people and their things. 2) I always get fooled -- I never know if it's really an antique or if it's a thrift store item masquarading as an overpriced antique. So I took some pictures of items that we were considering, you be the judge.

Mounted on a finished wood panel are two fine sets of antlers. Boring, one might say but if you look closely, right there in the middle, you will see the deer's droppings, dropped right after the hunter shot the literal crap out of him. For $145, Bryan and I could own a pair of antlers and their documented feces on a wooden plank. Pro: We could tell grand hunting stories to our guests. Con: Seems pricey for a pile of shit.












We also found this gem -- it's like the antique gods were playing a cruel joke on us and our budget. At first you just see the pretty gold frame.(If you read the note on the picture it says"Look closely...at this GORGEOUS GOLD FRAME! A real beauty! $89") But once you get past that frame, you see this really pretty picture of a waitress. I mean really pretty. So we're thinking $89 is pretty good for a two-for-one deal. Pro: I can tell people that's my mom and I painted it. Con: I've yet to find one.
















But then we found this little guy, Lil' Clogged Bottoms:

You say useless, I say priceless.













It was a hard decision, the process was long and grueling, and Bryan and I are still not talking, but we ultimately decided to go with this:

$12.99 and we never looked back.

no thanks, i'm on a diet.

So there are all sorts of ridiculous things that you can add to your blog nowadays (anyone remember when you couldn't even italicize or bold?). I thought about adding about 15 of them, but they have a limit of 10 (an unfair amount if you ask me). so i let that dream go, but one gadget that i really liked was the Calorie Calculator -- you type in every bit of food you've eaten and it tells your readers how fat--i mean how much you ate. who wouldn't want everyone to know that? it's so interesting and if you happen to gain 15 lbs (your perogative), the next time you see your mom she won't be surprised because she will have read your blog and know that taco bell has become your new best friend. So instead of adding that calorie gadget, i'll just update you for the last 12 hours i've been awake. i eat every hour, on the hour, so this is a long list.

8:00 am - hamburger - 350 calories
9:00 am - peppered beef jerky - 150 calories
10:00 am - apple bran muffin, juice - 400 calories
11:00 am - grilled cheese, mac and cheese, string cheese, glass of whole milk - 900 calories
12:00 pm - head of lettuce (i'm on a diet), bottle of ranch - 1,000 calories
1:00 pm - handful of m&m's, mini-corndogs - 300 calories
2:00 pm - ham sandwhich, milkshake - 600 calories
3:00 pm - glass of wine - 100 calories
4:00 pm - box of ice cream sandwhiches - 800 calories
5:00 pm - nachos - 500 calories
6:00 pm - beer, hot dog, chips - 450 calories
7:00 pm - pan of brownies - 1,200 calories
8:00 pm - a jar of nutella w/o utensils - 4,000 calories

total: 10,750 calories

I can't wait for Thanksgiving this year, mom.

before & after

remember this beauty?

add paint and a little magic and....viola!

Gifted & Talentless

Not many people know this, but I was suppose to be in Gifted and Talented in Kindergarten but my parents didn't fill out the form correctly. I was shunned by default. So goes the story of my life.

So I can't find a job. My problem? No, it's my parents fault. They just can't get my resume right. I tell them time and time again how to change it, make this edit, check the spelling, etc. etc. But they just won't fix it. I'm never going to get into GT--I mean get a job.

side note: Bryan read the blog, laughed and said: "that's funny, too bad it isn't true." People, don't you understand, I can't make this crap up. It follows me. My parents did not fill something out correctly, or maybe the school thought my name was spelled wrong but it wasn't and the administration stamped "REJECT" on my permanent education file. I can't believe you people...

Cars

It's funny living in a town with so many old people. When i pull up to an old Cutlass Supreme, I can't tell if it's a gun-carrying gangster or a 85 lb grandma. (Both of which I am afraid of)

either way, i bet they both listen to their music really loudly.

No Title for Old Men

forgive me, i'm a blog-aholic. i think i have like 10 floating out there in cyberspace, unable to be accessed because i've forgotten the stupid password i came up with. so hackers unite! get out of your mother's dark basement and get your trench coats on! there are blogs out there to be broken into and words to be forged!

so bryan and i have moved to smalltown, usa with a population of under 25,000. but in the people that we lack, our town has made up in dairy queens and wheelchairs. i belive 65% of the town is over 60, which makes for very good estate sales and thrift store items because while junk lasts forever, old people do not. case in point, check out my awesome headboard that i found last week:

How cool is that?? i'm in the process of sprucing it up so I'll post after pictures later.

Other things that happened this week:

1) I ruined a brand new shoe with a brick, nail polish and super glue.

2) I stepped on a rusty nail and for 4 hours thought I had the symptoms of tetanus. Turns out it was PMS, which had nothing to do with the rusty nail.

3) Was accosted by a herd of mexican-americans in my covered carport (its basically a garage without a door, don't judge me) and while one puffed a cig while telling me about her kids, hoochie-mama's and getting her GED and nursing license before she turns 45, the other one told me how lonely he was and that he needed a girlfriend. That is why he goes to church sometimes and did I know of anyone lonely too. I said yes, but they've all killed themselves by now.

4) Continued to ruin appliances, electronics, and countertops with one very small yet so powerful tube of super glue. I have now been banned of any adhesive stronger than the sticky side of a band aid.

Senioritis

At church on Sunday, this old lady was staring me down during that awkward meet-and-greet-even-though-you-already-know-everyone-here-because-you-rode-the-same-bus-over-from-the-nursing-home time. I just kept ignoring her and she kept staring at me (side note: i was wearing denim trousers which look like jeans to old people. and let's be honest old people are mean. but bryan said it was cool to wear that, but in reality i should have been wearing a pastel colored dress with a matching jacket and pillbox hat.) so then that old lady comes over to me, grabs my hand and then hugs me and says: "it's so good to see young people in church again!"

then i tripped her and walked out of church, while lighting my cigarrette.

just kidding, i hugged her back and she smelled like a kleenex box and told her i'm glad to see old people in church again. i would really hate to see what old hooligans would get themselves into on a sunday morning around 11:00. whatever it is, it would be slow and messy.

which brings me to my next point: do you think that senior citizens every get senioritis? I guess they do, but it's called alzheimers.

Excuse me, I have an iPhone

So my sister and I were talking the other day about the current election. we were saying how both sides want basically ownership of all the middle class votes and their incentives for getting those votes. then kyla said something profound: "you aren't middle class." my response: "yeah I am, aren't I? I thought....well I have an iPhone. So yeah, I'm middle class."

Turns out, I'm wrong. dead wrong. we in da poor class. in fact, it makes sense that I have an iPhone. We live in a shady neighborhood, yet drive nice cars. Our house is small and old, yet we have nice tv's, laptops, and ipods. And I've started wearing eyeliner on my lips to save money because eyeliner is like $1 while lipliner is like $5. So yeah, I guess whoever raises minimum wage and lowers taxes is getting my vote this year.