Taco Smell

We drove by Taco Bell the other day. I think they had to fire their head chef because of the failing economy. The newest menu item? A Bacon and Cheese Gordita. And it comes in a plastic wrapper that you can barf in after you realize you just accidentally order the nastiest food item in America.

How to Tell a Co-Worker "You're Talking Much Too Close to My Face"

Dearest Close-Talking Co-Worker,

I don't know what I did to deserve your hot breath in my small face, but I regret it. I am not sure if I need to draw a ruler on my hand and hold it out 6 inches to serve as a reminder that anything less is much too close. I don't know if I should wear a face mask like dentists wear in order to keep from vomiting at the end of every conversation we have. Please tell me what to do. It's not that I don't like you, in fact I never know what you are saying because your breath spells out G-R-O-S-S and that's all I can see or hear until you close your mouth and stop the violation.

Tell me, co-worker, what does your family do when you come around at holidays? Do they wear garlic around their necks because that smells better than what did in your throat? Do they start cooking onions, bell peppers, and fish when you arrive to curb your breath's effect on the air? I'm going to need their contact info if our work-only relationship lasts much longer.

Look, we could be friends, best friends, if only you would stop talking into my face. And you keep your mouth closed. Just think about it.

xoxo,
K

It's-a Never Too Early For-a Spaghetti!

My office always smells like spaghetti. No matter what time of day. It always smells like someone has just warmed up left over Fazoli's. I go to my desk hoping to find a breadstick in my chair. Alas, no breadsticks, no italian sausage, no spaghetti. I just can't figure out who's popping open the Spaghetti-O's at 8:00 am. But I've got it drilled down to a couple of culprits:

1. Mario
2. Luigi
3. Chef Boyardee

I'm thinking it's the latter choice.

So Chef Boyardee, stop with the italian food so early in the morning. It's not a good way to make friends.

Where is the FDA?

While on the search for Velveeta tonight at HEB, we ran into this:

I vomited. I vomited all the way back to the car.

We never made it back for the Velveeta. I guess we'll have to settle for real cheese.