Fault lines

Whenever Bryan and I get into a fight we immediately become 3rd graders. I yell "it's your fault you $@!$&?!*#!" And the he yells back "No! It's your &$@!?*# fault!" Okay so very colroful 3rd graders. Like 3rd graders that have been held back a few years and served some time in juvi. Either way no one wins in these childish fights, we are always both at fault.

But the other day I had a real zinger. I said "it's your fault for marrying me." Bryan stopped dead in his tracks, put his paintball gun down and solemnly nodded. He walked back to the room an whispered, " you win. My fault."

It was a small victory, but a victory none the less.

BMS

BMS are the initials of my husband. But it is also the acronym for a very serious disorder.

Ever so often Bryan gets a little bit sad, a little moody, a little quiet. He goes into his office and he works quietly with a glass of wine. He doesn't listen to his music loudly, he doesn't have much to say. He pokes around at his burned dinner that I cook, which is his favorite by the way. I also find him watching movies like "Rachel Getting Married" or "Garden State." This doesn't happen very often, but when it does I call it BMS -- Bryan's Moody Syndrome.

Since I've long been a victim of the female version, PMS, I try to offer up things that make me happy during this time. I offer to help him eat a whole sleeve of cookie dough, he says no thanks. I offer to watch Gilmore Girls and paint our toenails together, again he says no. I buy him gossip magazines and chocolate bars, he shakes his head. I really do not know what to do with him. I am out of options. The only thing that I can do now is to dress up like a clown and go visit him at his office with flowers and a song.

Wish me luck.

bring it on, monday

Guilt Complex

There are a few things that I must get off of my chest. (and no it's not my bra, you sicko's).

To my husband: I'm sorry that I left my crappy mixed cd of Glee songs and Trisha Yearwood in your truck. I didn't realize how terrible it was until two weeks after I left it in there. I'm also sorry that I took away your other cds that were in there so that you were forced to listen to my one weakness in life -- teenage choir showtunes.

To Over The Rhine: I'm sorry in advance. We will be meeting sometime this weekend and I will for certain creep you out. It's going to happen, don't try to stop it. Trust me, if there is one thing I've learn over the past 25 years is that you can't stop awkward. I will try to hug you and you will probably try to turn away. Do not run because I will chase you.

To the nosey co-worker who keeps leaving passive-agressive signs up everywhere telling every other adult in the office to clean the kitchen or securely shut a door: I"m sorry for drawing random things on the signs. There is just something about cheap flourescent paper that makes me want to draw unicorns and mustaches and to mark out important letters so it creates a dirty word. Oh and I'm also sorry for vomiting in the kitchen and not cleaning it up. But I did leave the door open to air it out.

To anyone I've talked to on the phone in the past week: If I was at home when we were talking, I'm sorry. I was not listening. I've been watching hours upon hours of the show Greek on hulu and I wasn't listening at all.

To distant relatives that find me on facebook: I'm sorry, have we met?

To my future children: I'm sorry but you will need therapy. And by the way that we spend money now, you'll probably have to pay for it.

To our couch: I'm so sorry that Bryan farts on you every night, right into your cushion. You don't deserve it. You deserve to be dry cleaned, but it's kind of expensive. You understand right?

To my hair: I'm sorry I forgot about you in the shower today. I don't know what happened. I just skipped right ahead to the face wash and forgot all about you. Then I put a hot iron on you and force you into an unnatural state where you stayed for approximately 2 hours. I do this to you every single day. I understand why you fall out sometimes, I'd leave too if I was treated that way. I'm also sorry about the time that I clipped Jessica Simpson hair extensions to you. Is that considered cheating? It is? Okay, well then I'm sorry I cheated. At least I never went blonde, right?

To the sales person who insulted me on the phone today by forcing me to spell my name 3 times and then saying "kendi? that's interesting." and then expecting me to agree: I'm sorry I sat there in silence for so long and waiting for you to recover. That was terrible of me.

Okay, I feel much better now.

possible side effects

You guys, I shot 'roids yesterdays. That's right, steroids. Well technically cortisone for my allergies, but still. Steroids -- There not just for baseball players and junkies anymore. They are also for allergy sufferers. I know that it was to help me breath better but today when I woke up I just felt stronger, you know? I drank a cup of raw eggs, like normal and then did my regular weight-lifting routine. I accidentally broke one of the weight machines at the gym. Barry Bonds came over and asked for my autograph. I think that I'm going to go back to the doctor later on today to see if I can get another hit. Oh and I also punched someone in the face and broke a door, but those are just minor details.

On the topic of being sick, my dad and I were talking tonight about how frightening some side effects are on certain drugs. My dad has started taking medicine that most likely will cause a large rash somewhere on his body. He read me the other side effects -- nausea, heartburn, indigestion. Okay maybe he was reading me the back of a Pepto Bismol bottle but it got me thinking. How come side effects are always negative? Wouldn't that be great if there were positive side effects?

Instead of listing "possible brain aneurysm" or "possibility to lose sight and consciousness" this is what I wish were on the back of my allergy medicine as possible side effects:

- may cause a sale at Anthropologie

- may cause people to like you more

- may cause a slight increase in your bank account and overall well-being

you may also experience:

- an all expense paid 7-day cruise for you and 5 friends

- a raise and promotion at work

- increased chances of winning the lottery

Now that would be a drug that I would be willing to take. I'll be in the gym if you need me.

the nervous system

736 days into our marriage and Bryan says to me at dinner last night:

"I didn't know you were such a nervous person when we got married."

I stopped tearing my napkin into tiny pieces, fanned myself, wiped the sweat off of my brow, swallowed the vomit that was coming up and said:

"I didn't know you were fat."

He's not fat, I just didn't know how to recover from that situation. Thankfully, I had some Xanax in my purse and a small bottle of wine. I think that the rest of the night was fun, I just can't remember. It's my nerves.

Either someone just pooped in the office or I have really bad breath. Where is my Lysol gum when I need it?

Edit: Turns out it wasn't my breath. Still gross.

And on the 8th day, God created Wikipedia.

Someone quizzed me on the books of the old testament today at work. Thankfully, with the power of Moses, I passed. Another co-worker offered up that if I didn't know them, the website Wikipedia is a great place to reference the Bible. I agreed -- the website that allows anyone to add or edit the content published is the perfect place for me to base my life and beliefs upon. Did you know that Jesus was a jewish banker? That Frank N. Sense and Murr were real people? The Jeremiah was a bullfrog?

Yeah, me neither. It turns out, after researching the internet for the truth, so many things I've learned about the Bible are wrong. Thank the Lord for Al Gore, the creator of the internet, or else how would I have ever seen the light?

he came, he saw, he blogged

my husband is cute.

two by two

Today I have been married for exactly 2 years.

731 days

104 weeks

17,544 hours

1,052,640 minutes

63,158, 400 seconds

100,000 miles

7 different states, 20 different cities.

1 broken down car

1 hitch-hiking trip over I-35

40 concerts

25 trips to Ikea

1000 square feet

Hundreds of jokes

Thousands of laughs

2 adopted dogs

1 husband

1 wife

0 babies

2 years

Happy 2nd Anniversary, B.

(LYMTYWEK)

the no-husband blues

I've eaten 4 bowls of ramen noodles in the past 3 days. No, my friends, I'm not back in college. No, I didn't lose my job. And no, it's not some weird high-sodium diet.

The cause of this ramen noodle binge? My husband is out of town. And I might be slipping into a slow, deep depression.

I did however watch a full season of America's Next Top Model and I finally took a shower at 5 pm today. So that's progress.

Thankfully he gets home tomorrow afternoon. 16 hours and 2 more bowls of ramen to go...

How to Make Your Husband Sad

Wives out there, if you are looking for a new way to make your husband sad, I have just the trick for you.

 

First, you pick something that he really has a passion for and you indulge in it. Begin dialogue that creates a plan that includes his favorite past time or passion. For my husband, this passion is travel, so we will go with that for the sake of this exercise.

 

Example: "Husband -- let's go on a fantastic vacation with friends at then end of February! I can use the rest of my days off for vacation. We will be able to see one of your best friends and I'll get my best friend to come too. It will be the best vacation of our lives."

 

Second, begin planning out how you will make this plan happen. Be sure to get many more people involved than just you and him, that way when the plan gets cancelled it will really rub it in. He may not go on a vacation, but his friends sure will send him on a guilt trip.

Example: "Husband, I found plane tickets for $200 roundtrip! Call your friends up and tell them that we are on our way!" Be sure to get everyone involved in this fantasy vacation to already ask off from their work.

 

Third, look at your bank account and evaluate all of your debt. Quietly cry into your $4 coffee from Starbucks.

 

Fourth, text message your husband that after further review we will not be able to go on this wonderful vacation. Wait for a reply. When a reply does not come, this means that your mission has been completed.

 

Next you will go home and find him very sad. If he's anything like my husband, I found him rolled up in a large map on the floor crying into an atlas and looking at old photographs from past trips we've made.

 

Congratulations! You've just made your husband very sad in just 4 simple steps. It's just that easy.

 

Now making him happy again? That may take a few more steps...

2009 Top Moments #1: A Thousand Words

Three things: Yes, I know it's January 2, 2010 and I'm just now finishing my review of 2009. Back. Off.

Secondly, is it just me or is anyone else a little bit disappointed that it's 2010 and we still don't have space cars yet?

Thirdly, if I was going to rank 2009 as a chick on hotornot.com I would probably give her a 4. Not terrible, but you would never recommend to a friend. Let's hope 2010 is at least an 8.

So now without further ado, the number 1 moment of 2009 -- isn't really a moment, but many moments captured on film, macs and phones. From ridiculous iPhone pictures...

To playing with my new mac...

To watching my husband do what he does best.

This past year, B decided to take a leap of faith and start up his own photography business. I've loved watching him follow a passion that he has had since he was 15 years old. So, I present to you the best thing to come out of 2009, Bryan Skeen Photography.

So here's to you 2009. I started off the decade as an awkward 15 year old with a bad hair cut and a boyfriend and I ended the decade as an awkward 25 year old with a bad hair cut and a husband. Ten years later and I still don't know what to do with my hair.