nightmeats

Since dropping meat -- there has to be a better way to say that -- since becoming a vegetarian (there we go), my nights have been taken over by meat filled dreams. Well, more like nightmares. I have these nightmares where I'm forced to eat meat but I don't know it's meat until later, then I wake up. It's awful. And I'm not talking a nice piece of bacon, I'm talking weird meats like cats and horses.

 

So my dream last night was no different. Bryan and I were at some block party and were having a good time with imported canned beer. After about 2 or 3, I turned the beer can over to look at the ingredients (as I do with most imported things after ingesting them for an hour or so). The first ingredient was "CHOPS" in huge letters. In my dream I immediately knew that this meant animal chops, and the worse part is they were unidentified animal chops. I kept reading down the list to find such things as animal, animal shortening and more chops. I was terrified and yelled to Bryan that I had just drank animal beer. Then of course I woke up, surprisingly not hungover.

 

So when do the good dreams start? Like when will I have dreams of riding on a chariot made of romaine lettuce, dialing on my russett potatoe phone or laying in a bed of asparagus? I need those dreams to start now.

a recipe for love (and disaster)

When I say "I really want a warm chocolate chip cookie right now" the answer I'm looking for is not "Really?? Because I'm still really full from dinner." No, that is not the correct answer. The answer I'm looking for is "You know I've been wanting all day to watch you eat a warm chocolate cookie. Or better yet I spoon-feed you cookie dough while you lay in bed watching the Gilmore Girls in your sweat pants and an old ratty t-shirt. Then you can cry on my shoulder for an hour and tell me how your hips get lumpier with age."

Now that's what I'm looking for. That is what makes a marriage work although possibly creates a gateway for diabetes and emotional eating. But love is kind, blind and certainly does not ask the the other how much they weigh.

Skeen Jr.

Even though we aren't in the market to have children yet (yet = 5 or more years here people. back off) I am already worry about what to name our offspring. With pretty much every choice I make in my life I usually end up regretting it many years later. For instance, why was I still wearing overall shorts in 12th grade? Or how come I thought it was a good idea to stop exercising at the age of 14? Why do I cut my hair so short that my face looks like a swollen gourd that could be sold at a State Fair? You get the idea of my poor choices and now you are probably terrified of what I will name my chidlren as well.

 

So now that I'm getting close to my birthing years (age 30-35) I'm terrified that I will make a mistake when it comes to naming our children. Especially since our last name is so weird, er-- I mean unique. So what do you do when life gives you an awkward last name? You make a list. And apparently lemonade.
 
What not to name our children:
Charlie Skeen (too close to Charlie Sheen)
Peachy Skeen
Imogene Skeen
Paula Dean Skeen
Moe Skeen
Billy Skeen (wayyyy too close to that MJ song.)
Max Skeen
Lil' Bean Skeen (my personal favorite -- I just know our children will grow up to be rap stars)
 
 
Really there are only two names that we know for certain go with our last name:
Kendi
Bryan
 
I prefer "Kendi Skeen the Second" as Bryan prefers "Bryan Jr." Oh! I just felt a future child-egg commit suicide. One down, hudreds of more to go.

The Mathematics of Speeding Tickets

I got pulled over today. I'm not even going to go into the details. All you need to know is that I did not get hauled off to jail despite my lack of current insurance.

 

The officer asked me how long I'd been driving. I thought it was an odd way around of asking for my age but I quickly calculated 25-16=9. "Nine years" I said, feeling very proud of myself for being so quick with my math.

 

"I meant this morning."

 

Just so we are clear, being good at math has little to do with avoiding speeding tickets.