hey! that's not progress...

Well, in just 3 short months we've gone from the hopes of running a half marathon to a 10k to a 3k to a "let's just run 3x a week, for 30 minutes."

I fear the next level is a half-eaten box of krispy kreme's laced with oreos and fried pork rinds. I'll let you know. Or maybe you'll let me know, the next time you see my fat ass coming your way. How will you know it's me? Oh you'll know. I'll be the one that leaves a trail of bread crumbs behind me, only because it's hard to eat a footlong while walking.

Anywho -- I did find some inspiration tonight at the "exercise stations" Kerrville tax dollars + city hall employees set up around the track. It's really detailed pictograms showing more excercises to do, like so:


<


Like looking in a mirror, I tell you. Like looking in a mirror.

Why does the show "Biggest Loser" always make me crave ice cream while simultaneously making me want to go run a half-marathon??

I cut my own bangs

and then used the leftover hair as a prop.



don't judge me. if all you had in your town were two dairy queens and a dollar tree that randomly closes at 4:30 pm mon through thursday, you would cut your own bangs because the hair salon/vetrinary clinic is too far away and then you would make yourself a bang mustache and frida kahlo brows too. and then you would get your reluctant husband to take a picture of you to put up on your blog that you would keep up just so people would know that you were still alive since the only telephone in the town is at the top of an electrical pole and it's hard to get up there more than once a week.

small townville might be making me unstable.

This just in: Cat smacks Woman

http://abc.go.com/primetime/afv/index?pn=player&itemId=363921

Why I love my Husband

When I ask the simple question "What is a gordita?" this is the answer I receive via office email:



Why do I love my husband? Because no one else would answer my question so thoroughly nor would they risk using all of their company's bandwith to send such a large picture.

When it rains, it pours old people

Kerrville --

Two things:

Please let your freakin old citizens know that it is not pertinent for each and every one of them to take a hit of laughing gas and get into their cars and start driving around town the minute it starts pouring rain. It is also not pertinent to drive 50 mph around a corner and swerve into a tree in order to miss hiting my Saturn ion. You could have hit me, I would have been okay. I would have finally gotten revenge on that car.

Also, fix your traffic lights. They all go out when it rains.

Is that your real name?

Someone just said to me on the phone "Your name is Kendi?? That's so cute!" I replied, "If you think that's cute, you should see my pigtails, overalls, and ruffle socks." I think she thought it was a joke...

good day, sunshine

Do you want to know what a good day in my book is? Waking up early enough to make a toaster strudel, getting to work late but before my boss, my boss calling to see if I wanted a starbucks I say yes, but I don't have cash, oh no problem I have a gift card she says. Then husband calls to tell me we have 3 6th row seat tickets for the spurs game tonight. With free parking. And all this happened before lunch.

That my friends is a good day.

You know it's time...

to do laundry when your laundry hamper breaks.

I do not like Green Eggs and Harem.

I ask you, who exactly are these pants made for? And what occasion? Because the last time I watched Aladdin circa 1993 I wanted some pants like that to look like Jasmine...for Halloween. I was also 8 years old. I also wanted a pet monkey, for purposes unknown.

Can you imagine if these pants become popular? We are all going to want no thighs and big calves to fill these pants with. Cankles will be the new cleavage.

Note: I suppose a sultan could wear these pants. Of course, "A Sultan" and "Assaulting" sound awfully alike....

None of the Above

I just WebMD'd myself and found out I have either:

Gastreonitieristist
Ascaris worms
Panic attack
Cancer

Things aren't looking good for me. Thank goodness for an online doctor. I wonder where Dr. Web went to med school. Anyways, it doesn't matter any doctor that doesn't put me on a scale fully dressed and add 10 lbs to whatever number shows up is alright with me.

And since Dr. Web gave me multiple choices for my diagnosis, I figure that I get to pick my illness. I'll go with panic attack, since cancer seems drastic for a stomach ache and God knows I don't want to get ascaris worms again.

Magical Fruit

We made beans last night. And I have meetings all day. And the office bathroom walls are made of paper mache. I might explode.

In the event that I do in fact explode, I want to give something to each and every one of you to remember me by.

I've given Bryan permission to auction off these items in remembrance of me:

- our 14 year old 36" tube tv. This 50 lb. beauty will break any tv stand you put it on. (Just like I would if you sat me on one.)

- a small collection of My Little Pony's. (I always wanted purple, plastic-like hair that melts together when you curl it.)

- an unused broom

- and finally an empty bottle of beano with the words "if only..." written on it.

Wish my co-workers luck. I'll let you know if I make it through. And in case I do, the TV and broom are still for sale...

"Oh my bad, I thought you were a monkey."

"Man shoots woman, mistakes her for monkey."

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29685956/?GT1=43001

I'm not sure if I would be offended by being shot or by being confused with a monkey.

I thought about, and yes the being confused with a monkey would be worse.

I miss my boo.

Do you want to know what pathetic, twisted, make you want to vomit in your mouth then swallow it again, ridiculous, irrational puppy-love is?

When you've been away from your husband/bff for only 36 hours and you start looking at your wedding pictures because you miss him too much. :(

Don't worry I haven't broke out the champagne and the wedding playlist. That happens at hour 48.

(And if you are wondering, yes I did put my wedding dress on, re-enact the whole cermony and reception in front of a mirror and a cat, and then blew bubbles that I walked through on the way to my self-decorated car and drove around the block twice.)

Can you blame me?

Things I've learned as a Newlywed #24

Do not decide to re-arrange your house 24 hours before guests arrive. And by guests I mean in-laws.

Okkkkaaayyyy

Today at work, a co-worker was talking to me and asked me what I was smiling about. I didn't actually know that I was smiling. Yet another awkward situation where I couldn't think of an appropriate comeback. So I said "oh this old thing?" as the smile slowly went back into it's cave.

Tell me dear audience, what is the best answer for that snide little question? (This is a multiple choice test, don't worry.)

A. Because I just pooped my pants. And it wasn't an accident.
B. I just won my 10th game of minesweeper today.
C. I forgot where I was for a moment. Thanks for bringing me back down.
D.I just finished my letter of resignation. Did you need something?

Grrrrr.....

Why is it that the ONE day that I am early to work, my boss is late?!?!?!

I'm pretty sure I was early the day of my interview and today....

i hate daylight savings time.

I'm so confused. I don't know what time it is. Every clock in the house is different and probably wrong. I don't even know how I made it to work today. It was so dark and confusing when I woke up. I was half-way sure that I was going to be an hour early to work today. But really I was 30 minutes late. Which is weird, somehow by the time I leave my car in the parking lot and get to my desk in the morning it's 10 minutes later than what my car said. And it's literally two steps away. Yes, I can honestly say, I don't know what time it is.

I feel weird about my nose.

i think my nose is getting bigger. probably as i type this. bryan and i took some photos in the canyon today and i'm pretty sure my nose has grown larger in the past year. i've been noticing this lately, my obtruse nose. I'm starting to feel like I should get in touch with my jewish heritage all of a sudden. I suddenly feel like I've been missing out on yom kippur all of these years. The years of my petite nose.

Make-up kind of hides it, but only until about 2:00 pm then all my make-up wears off and my nose sticks out like a sore thumb -- or like a big nose. I knew this one girl in high school, her name was Barbie and she had a honker. I mean probably the largest nose I've ever seen. Rhinoplasty would not help this nose. A sledge hammer might, but it would take a lot of swings to knock that tree down. Anyways, not only did she have the largest nose in the world, she also had the worst sneeze. This girl would howl for about 20 seconds before she sneezed, like a warning siren. It was absolutely terrifying. Fall was the worst (she had allergies). In class, I jumped everytime she sneezed and then we'd all look back to see if her nose was still there or if she had blown it off with that nuclear bomb of a sneeze. Still there.

I wonder where is she now, with her large nose and totally ironic name. Hopefully by now someone, somewhere has told her if that nose is going to stay, that sneeze has gots to go.

Anyways, I feel weird about my nose. But I'm okay with the way I sneeze. Kendi-1, Barbie - 0.

Things I've Learned as Newlywed #20, 21, 22, 23

4 things i've learned today at 9:53 a.m.:

1. if your husband is getting ready for work and asks, "does this look okay?" the correct answer is not "you look like you are going out for milk." apparently the correct answer is "yes" even if this costs you a lie.

2. people find out when you put a rock over your dog's poop instead of picking it up and throwing it away. also, at some point you run out of rocks because dog's never run out of poop.

3. i have had more people in the last week ask me to be involved with younglife than when i was in college and actually was involved with younglife.

4. old people get b.o. too. I thought it was just for pre-pubescent teens and athletes. (note: old people b.o. is very offensive)

You know why I don't watch the show LOST?

Because when I ask a simple questions like "how did they get there?"
Bryan says, stunned that I don't already know: "time travel."

Of course! Time travel. Not by car, not by boat, not by plane. By freaking time travel.

That's why I stick to reality tv or children's programs.

Lucky Dog

I just spilled all of Carlos's food -- and I mean ALL of his food.

Of course, this wasn't really a problem for him.

Oh Carlos, always the optimist.

O.B.P.

I hate office birthday party's. I really do. I'm pretty sure hell is an employee-only birthday party at a dentist office with cream cheese icing cupcakes and NO water.

Anyways, we had this birthday party today at work for the new girl and boy was it fun. Just kidding, it wasn't. So 25 awkward minutes later we all start to move towards the trash can and back to our work when I turn to the new girl and offer up my best "happy b-day." she then turns to me and says the best response i have ever heard to a happy birthday:

"Thanks! It was really good to see your face today."

A slow "okay" came out of my mouth as she hopped along on her weird little way. I love that this girl thought that I actually wanted to come to her office birthday party and then thanked me for coming. I then felt bad that I didn't bring a gift. I might leave one on her desk tomorrow. But what to give someone you don't really know?

I know! I"ll leave a headshot of myself. That was she can say "It was really good to see your face today" everyday.

Pottery Barn should pay me...

Over at my friend amanduh's site (just kidding, she doesn't really spell her name like that. i just wanted to get revenge on people with normal names) I saw this picture from pottery barn:

Much to my amazement I looked up from my computer and saw this in my very own living room:

POTTERY BARN STOLE MY IDEA!!!!!!!!!!

I have yet to see royalties.

What's in a name?

I like my name. I really do. It's always been a source of identity for me. It always set me apart, made me immediately unique. I always knew that I would be the only Kendi in the room. Unless I was at a Kendi convention and in that case, I've never met a Kendi I didn't like.

However, there are things about my name that are starting to not only annoy me but haunt me on a daily basis. Such as people spelling my name wrong on an email. A reply email. Specifically a reply email from someone who I've been emailing with for this past 4 months. "Kendee", while phenotically right, it is so very wrong.

Number of times my name has been misspelled while using all the right letters (kendie, kindi, kendee, kindie): 459

Number of times my name has been mistaken for "Candy": 1,207

Number of times people who have never met me have said "I thought you'd be black": 3

Number of times my name has been mispronounced as Kenzie, Kendra, Kennedy, Cindy, Mindy, McKenzie, Karen, and Ricky: 4,800

Number of times in a normal 5-minute conversation I have to correct my name to someone new: 4

Number of people who ask me on a monthly basis if my name is short for anything: 15

Number of times I want to say "Yes, it's short for Celeste" to those inquiries: 15

Chance that anyone will get my name right tomorrow: 67%

Chance that I will be annoyed at these mistakes: 100%

Really, Monday?

I have spilled two drinks and a whole bag of dog food, left my car running while Bryan filled it up with gas, gave my opinion a little too strongly and made fun of a blind person today. If this is a precursor to how the week is going to go, I'm going to wear knee pads tomorrow.