married is the new single

when B and I were picking out a place to get married, the very first place we went to was the very place we said our vows. it was this quaint little chapel in the woods. but the thing we loved the most were the lights:

aren't they cool? I'm sure you are wondering why i'm blogging about stupid lights in a stupid little chapel where we said i do (to this day, the smartest decision i've every made). anyways, we found some little lights like the ones at the chapel and put them up in our little kitchen. and now we are reminded everyday of our little chapel in the woods :)

okay you can gag now. just leave the room when you do and don't tell me about it.

11 things to be more afraid than swine flu

11. identity theft.
10. heidi and spencer.
9. tom cruise.
8. the end of the world.
7. the bear flu
6. airport security
5. guns
4. snakes on a plane
3. house fires
2. Sarah Palin running again in 2012
1. an actual swine attacking you

there you have it. don't be scared -- but do wash your hands and cover your mouth when you sneeze.

really?

First it was a chicken bone and now it's small candy heart suckers. for the last 3 days ,there has been a heart sucker on our front porch each day. seriously, this is getting weird.

I wonder if people would notice if I called in sick tomorrow with the swine flu. or better yet the wine flu. wouldn't want to spread that one around...

ACL LINEUP!!!!!!!!!!

http://2009.aclfestival.com/?utm_source=Publicaster&utm_medium=newsletter&utm_content=4.28_LineupEmail_Lineup&utm_campaign=2009

it's only monday and i've already made the best decision i will make this week: staying home on a rainy monday. turns out you can run and you can hide from monday's wrath. if only my PTO was bottomless.

my thoughts exactly

thursday shmursday

this week....

let's just say if this week was hulk hogan's daughter, Brooke, and I was-- well I was me and we got in one of those hoochie throw downs (and we all know that fight wouldn't be fair -- my dad is a software engineer, her's is an action figure and has a show on VH1. No offense dad, you would totally win in a game of online chess). and she would kick my ass. she would kick it and leave it on the side of the road. and now i am homeless because i couldn't find a ride home and and I don't have a cell phone because she took my purse too. And I have this black eye and my body hurts, and no one wants to give me a ride.

that's what this week was like. good news? it's almost over. bad news? it's not done yet.

i'm a "glass half full/ glass half empty -- waiter? waiter why is my glass half empty -- i need more to drink-- kind of girl.

my brain has officially turned to mush.

Happy earth day

How do you know when you've been in kerrville long enough?

When you not only get used to seeing dead animals on every road you drive on but you start commenting on it. This morning I saw a dead (by way of large truck) racoon and I said aloud to myself "fresh kill." like I was going to pull my car over and have it for lunch.

Must. Find. City. Friends.

interviews

my bff (not mandy moore, the other one) has been getting a lot of interviews lately. as a new graduate, she is a little unsure of herself and the job-getting process so (naturally) she asked for my advice. this is what I gave her:

-- when they ask you what you want to be in life, do not say handbag designer. this answer will get you nothing but a well-deserved slap in the face.

-- if they ask a question that you are not sure of the answer, just ask them right back. like:
interviewer: "where do you see yourself in five years?"
interviewee: "where do you see yourself in five years?"
This way, they will really know you are listening. plus maybe they will have a good answer that you can use in the next interview.

-- when asked, what are your strengths DO NOT answer: "Oh i don't know, probably 40-50 lbs. Yeah I could probably help you move your desk. Let's see -- I could probably pick you up, yeah I could pick you up." they mean other strengths.

-- last but not least, if out of sheer nervousness you forget your name upon introducing yourself, do not repeat their name and do not make one up. This will cause confusion when handing them your resume. Instead, wear a name tag. That way if you forget, you can just point to the tag.

note to self: monday, april 20th

morning sickness + nausea + cramps + mood swings can only mean one thing:

McDonald's twice in one day is not a good thing.

also, accidentally wearing a semi short dress on the day you meet all of the regional managers in a presentation that involves you having to stand up is not a good decision. wearing a slim pants suit with a tight bun and some flats from The Neutralizer is.

also, if you work for a jewelry company, you should wear some.

also, especially when seeing the CEO.

also, if he does in fact notice you are not wearing any from his company, and inquires about the necklace you are currently wearing, do not go into a 5 minute diatribe about you accidentally stole this from a store you worked at 5 years ago. and you don't normally wear jewelry but...

also, if this happens again, go ahead and fire yourself.

goo-goo ga-ga, i'm 49 years old.

There is this lady at my office that talks to me like a baby. Seriously. On Friday, she told me to "hab a goo weekennnnn..." which she dragged out until I was half way out the door. Then she threw a sippy cup at my head. So, like any 24-year old woman baby, I projectile vomited on her car. Good thing I was wearing a bibb.

weekend

pretty park date on a sunday afternoon. :)

I just found this little gem of a video from the weepies. it blends my moderate fascination with musicians and my extreme fascination with puppets. beautiful.

make that a double

i need a chicken mcnuggetini.

because it's just been one of those weeks.

(picture from this is why you're fat)

what day is it? where am i? who are you?

friends, strangers, stalkers, family members who are ashamed to call me their own, I have a couple of things on my mind:

1) I think I might be getting fatter even though I've been looking at pictures of disgusting combinations of food hourly. Oddly enough it might make me hungrier.

2) Anyone remember the novel "Lord of the Flies"? Well I'm pretty sure that William Golding wrote it as an allegory for working in a corporate setting. And I'm the character Piggy and my head falls off and then everyone eats me alive and someone else takes credit for my work. (I"m actually not sure if that's right, I can't remember the details of that book or 10th grade for that matter.)

3) I hate Adam Lambert from American Idol. He makes me want to barf blood. But I do love when Paula takes a handful of pills and washes it down with a mixture of rubbing alcohol and wine and spills her opinions to the world.

4) I am tired of being offered an "ice cold Strawberry Lemonade" at Chilli's. I am a 24 year old married woman. Have you ever seen a grown woman slurping on a Strawberry Lemonade? No you haven't and if you have, it wasn't a strawberry lemonade it was a strawberry margarita.
Attention despondent Chilli's staff of Kerrville, this is what a 17 year old looks like (an over-produced, slutty version of a 17 year old but still you get the idea):

I do not look 17, nor have I ever looked 17 even when I was 17. I do not like glitter lipstick, beanie babies, sweaty senior boys or high school musical 1-3. I do not put ranch on every single thing I eat and above all i do not like strawberry lemonade. please quit offering because i'm not taking.

5)it's just been one of those days.

funny but sick but funny

Bryan and I just discovered this little gem of a website. We laughed a lot (and gagged a little) at all of the random pictures of disgusting food. (Thanks Rachel!)


And thanks to this site, I will never eat a hot dog pie (again) for as long as I live.

We went to the early service this morning and when we got out it was only 10:30, so we did what any normal 24 year olds would do on Easter Sunday. We went home and planted a box of Toaster Studels around the house and had an Easter Strudel hunt. And then Bryan dressed up like the Easter Bear and then we went around the neighborhood and handed out Easter ziploc baggies filled with toothpaste and rice. So fun.

Judge us all you want, we were out of eggs.

my knight in shining armor (and some strange metal statue):

Slow News Day in Kerrville

Man Takes Blu-Ray from Wal-Mart:
http://www.dailytimes.com/story.lasso?ewcd=dfe3d345afd3bbfd

Everyone lock your doors, a geek is on the loose. Next up: Grass continues to grow in local residents yard.

lessons from a newlywed #27

what do you do for dinner when you only have frozen corn and toaster strudels in your freezer? you leave. you leave and you go to a friend's house, a restaurant,a wedding reception, a gas station -- anywhere with warm food. And you never look back. that's what you do.

compliments

someone told me they liked my top today. I said i liked their bottom.

freakin' monday

Have you ever had a morning when a co-worker starts listening to classical music very loudly while whistling a completely different song and then another co-worker begins cutting boxes with a freakin chainsaw and then another starts heavily typing a text message on her old nokia that plays musical notes with each letter typed all while you are just trying to type a simple email and then you decide to go to the bathroom and when you get there you see that someone stopped it up so you have to plunge it -- even thought it's not even yours to plunge -- like you would even do that in public let alone at work, sick -- and you know that everyone can hear you slosh the toliet water around and you can just feel them assuming that you stopped up the toliet at 9:07 a.m. even though all you wanted to do was go pee?

I don't think I can handle today, today.

because nothing says breakfast like powder sugar and bacon

I just found the grossest breakfast recipe ever. An apple bacon cheese sandwhich with --get this-- powdered sugar on it.

I may or may not have been searching for bacon recipes. I'll never tell.

bacon

I think we've eaten bacon at 85% of our meals in the past week. We had it twice today. We even bought another pound of it last night in anticipation of eating MORE BACON. I don't know what's wrong with us, but suddenly we are throwing bacon into every meal. We have even started planning our meals around bacon. Our house smells like bacon. Our clothes smell like bacon. I even saw bacon grease smudges on some papers at work today. I put a piece of mint gum in my mouth and wished it tasted like bacon. I accidently called Bryan, "Bacon" this morning as I was waking him up.

Oh my gosh. I am so ashamed.

Win a $1000 (kind of)

If you are NOT related to me, then go here: www.jamesavery.com/lovetoshare

Share a nice story about your mother and if your story receives the most votes by May 10th, you can win a $1,000 James Avery gift card. Do this to save my job.

And if you are related to me, I have a seperate contest going on. Email me your favorite story of me and I'll send you an autographed 16 x 20 picture of myself. :{ ) It's just that simple.

If multi-vitamins are wrong, I don't want to be right

Today I got to work at 7:59 am. This was a monument for me. My only consistency in life is being late, and here I was 1 minute early. I had people coming around to my cubicle and ask "Why are you here?" I deflected their inqueries by saying "April Fool's". That really confuses the older ones.

Then I worked like a maniac all day long. I was knocking out tasks left and right. And then came the down fall. I told my boss I felt like I was on crack. And I forgot to say "because I"m working so hard." No, I just said "I feel like I"m on crack." And then I accidentally forgot my boss wasn't just my co-worker and I jokingly called her a bitch. I feel a random drug test coming on.

Honestly though, it wasn't crack. I just doubled up on Instant Breakfast and a multi-vitamin.

"that's funny, I thought you were wearing a wig"

I think my hair is playing an April Fool's Day joke on me.