frozen assets

I think we've reached the lowest point of our marriage. I realized this as my husband is standing in the freezer section of the grocery store. In our cart, he picks up two identical frozen dinners in his hands, looks back at me and says "Look! We can have the same thing for dinner!" Sheer excitement over the fact that we both picked out the same frozen dinner. Or perhaps it was when I was trying to decide between the generic brand crackers and the premium brand, when my husband nudges me and says "go ahead and get the real kind" with a wink. $55 later we have 6 frozen dinners for two,a bag of "real" crackers and a basket full of shame.

 

 

 

 

Over the Counter and Into My Mouth

You know you have a problem sleeping when sleep aids get assigned street names used regularly in your household:

Tylenol PM = night nights
Benydryl = bennys
Herbal sleepy time tea = that tea that has drugs in it
Red Wine = night juice

So after taking two night nights, a benny, some of that tea that has drugs in it and a hit of night juice, I barely woke up this morning. And by barely I mean my breathing was so shallow I might have been in a coma. And then I remembered I had a dream about a casino inside of a mall inside of a circus. Which let's be honest is albeit drug-induced still a genius idea. But when I was showering, needless to say, I was a bit slow on the draw. I kept going for the shampoo, body wash, conditioner like a person in a kitchen going for ingredients who has no idea how to cook and has been assigned to make Christmas dinner. Except I was the person in the shower and I had no idea how to clean myself properly. I'm pretty sure this is what the morning concoction consisted of:

body wash on face
shampoo on body
conditioner on arms and legs
face wash on hair

It's cool though because my arm hair is really soft and my eyebrows are having a really good hair day. As for the drugs, I'm sure they will wear off soon.

eating vegetables makes people angry

I've learned that as a vegetarian people feel like they can comment on whatever you eat. For example, when I was a meat eater I could order 2 value meals at McDonald's with double meat (as I so often did) and no one would say a word. In fact, sometimes they'd throw in a happy meal prize if I ate it all. Now I order a salad without chicken and I get looked at like I'm a crazy person followed by "No chicken?" and an eye roll. Then they just seem pissed as they write down my order, like writing "no chicken" hurts them personally. It's almost as if I killed their pet chicken, fried it up and then decided not to eat it. Worse, I went for their pet head of lettuce instead.

Ugly looks and mean sneers aside, I'm sticking with being a vegetarian. Lettuce has never rolled its eyes at me. Mostly because it doesn't have a face. Also, it tastes a lot better with salad dressing on it than a hamburger. Consequently, melting cheese on lettuce and smashing it between two pieces of bread and dipping it in ketchup isn't all that bad either.

in other news...

As I was going upstairs this morning, I had a mirage that the hand rail was salami. Does this mean I miss meat? Or that I secretly think that I can eat wood?

Pop culture has fried my brain. When I was listening to the radio the other day, I couldn't decide if Ludacris was a real word or a rapper. And I couldn't correctly spell or define either of them successfully.

 

I've stopped correcting my spell checker when it asks to replace my name with Kendo. I just let it happen. Somethings aren't worth the fight. (I also let it replace Obama with Osama. Just to frighten people a little bit more with my forwards.)

 

Every night this week, Bryan and I have ended up cursing loudly and have burned each of our hands while cooking dinner. Two out of four of our dinners have been salads.

 

Bryan asked how much a maid would cost to clean our house once a week. I said $500 a week, but that I'd do it for $200. Family discount.

 

We have a new exercise regimen and it seems to be working. We've started walking to the wine shop every night. Carrying 6 bottles of wine gives my arms the work out they deserve.

 

 

 

birthday presents

My husband's birthday is on Monday and people keep calling me asking me what they can give him. I've decided to make it easy on you guys and give you a list.

 

1. Gift cards to Anthropologie

2. Size 10 women's shoes from Steve Madden

3. unmarked envelopes or briefcases of cash

4. The 5th season of The Hills (his favorite show)

Just send the packages addressed to me and I'll make sure he gets them. And just to be safe, let's keep this gift exchange under wraps. Bryan loves surprises.