nightmares

I'm not totally convinced that Bryan and I don't wake up in the middle of the night and do drugs.

I had this whacked out dream, right? In my dream I'm huge pregnant. And it hurts and I'm uncomfortable, just like I expect pregnancy to be. And in this dream, I am complaining to Bryan about the pain. He looks at me and says "Baby, why don't you go to Six Flags. That always makes you feel better." So we go to Six Flags and Bryan leaves me for the snack bar. So naturally I ride a water slide. End of dream.

At this point I'm awake-- and confused-- so I drag myself to the shower. When I get out, Bryan's awake singing "Age of Aquarius". I looked around for gateway drugs, empty bottles and people we met last night sleeping on our couch. I find nothing.

We must be sleep-using.

Can you hear me now?

When a feeble man of 90 asks you what kind of music you are listening to these days, DO NOT answer "Oh, you know, the oldies." This is not the right statement.

Then when he says "Like 40s Big Band?" DO NOT say "No more like the 70s."

Nothing good will come out of this conversation. This will in fact cause confusion, nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea and possibly death. Of course the death part was coming anyways, but that's beside the point.

One Week till Vacation (One Week till the Kennel)

This has quite possibly been the longest shortest week I've ever experienced in my life. In one sense I thought Friday would never get here, on the other I can't believe it's already Friday. Ahh, but I've never met a Friday I didn't like. Bring it on, weekend.

This Ain't No Holiday Inn

We just told Carlos that we were going to kennel him next week while we go and play.


This is the face we got, followed by him dramatically packing up his bags and then sitting on them while he smoked a cigarette inside of the house, which he knows I hate.






After that reaction we decided it best to not mention that it will only cost us $7.50 a night. Sometimes details are just details.

I'm Going to Rob a J.Crew

Who's with me?

T.G.I.H.B.F.Y. (Thank Goodness I Haven't Been Fired Yet)

Another interesting week in the office. layoffs here, nail clippings there.

Nail clippings? Surely not, you say. Oh yes, that distinctive sound of whatever protein a nail is made of being sliced off by a minature machete from the flesh of a hand unmistakenly interrupted my morning. Twice. I, by the way, do not work in a salon, therefore this is not normal nor is it okay. And did I mention this happened twice? I'm thinking the first time was a manicure, the second was a pedicure.

Of course it doesn't stop there. I also heard the scheduling of a "much needed" mammogram and gynocology appointment, then someone mistook the phrase "Accounting Department" as "Kenny Departno" on the phone and couldn't understand why I didn't have their phone number (I never fully recovered that conversation), and I heard the ongoing's of the women and men's restrooms all week long. I think the stomach bug must be going around.

Oh and did i mention layoffs? Hello Friday, I thought you'd never come.

retraction

Bryan wanted me to tell everyone that the crude representation below of what we look like in the morning isn't true. This is actually what we look like in the morning, before hair and makeup of course. Please don't judge:

i had a dream...

Bryan and I have both been having dreams about Tina Fey. Mine was about Tina accosting us in a theatre and asking us to go to dinner with her and her husband. She then fell in love with us and wanted to write a show about us and we could play the leading roles. We told her that we didnt' want to leave our jobs in small town America and turned down the offer.

Bryan dreamt that he met Tina at a Long John Silver's and their were a lot of kids there. He said that Tina was a messy eater.

Need I remind you of what we look like in the morning?







Yeah, dreams are messy in our house.

Carlos is Magic II

Carlos has this pecuilar was of stepping on the remote--normally while we are in the middle of a show --and changing the channel. He can find buttons we didn't even know existed. Tonight? Carlos changed the channel to Telemundo. No lie.

We've got a talented dog on our hands. And apparently we were right in naming him Carlos. Viva la televisio!

If only...

...Bryan loved me like Spencer loves Heidi.

Now that's dedication.

Secrets

Bryan started telling me this story about "Aunt Flo" and I got really defensive, I said "how do you know about 'Aunt Flow'?" He said oh it's so-and-so's aunt...Aunt Florence. He went back to his story, I sighed a sigh of relief for women everywhere. Our secret menstrual code is still safe ladies.

I bet they still don't know what PMS really means.

travel

i'm flying to see my parents tomorrow and its been a while since I've flown. I got to thinking what am i allowed to pack nowadays??

i think we are on threat level orange, but does that mean i can take foundation and gum? what about a brush? are shoes still allowed?? So i logged on to TSA and took a looksy...

things i am absolutely not allowed to take on the airplane:

• ice picks
• meat cleaver
• sabers
• swords
• baseball bat
• bow and arrow
• pool cues
• ski pole
• spear gun

and of course I was planning on taking all of these. to make matters worse these were on the list as well:

• BB guns
• flares
• cattle prods
• crowbars
• billy clubs
• brass knuckles
• night sticks
• nunchucks
• throwing stars
• gas torches
• liquid bleach

So you can imagine my disappointment after I read this list. Not only was I going to prod cattle with my dad but my mom and I were going to a billy club and throwing star convention and I am not going to be able to carry any back with me on the plane.

Things I am allowed to take:

• one pair of shoes
• saltine crackers
• one sandwhich baggie of anything i can fit in there
• gameboy

Well that's a sigh of relief.

Finders Keepers

some lovely finds of the week. if only we didn't owe taxes this time around.

My dream kitchen. Ahh, the dream of a crisp, clean kitchen.

Pearls, pearls, pearls. My spring obsession.

five year diary. just a few lines a day.

great find on etsy. now if i could find some cash.

urban is stepping it up these days.


shameless plug, I know. But I still like this ring.

Death by Coffee

I had a pregnancy scare this morning. I got super nauseous after finishing my coffee. I was a little nervous but I decided to tell B.

B had a pregnancy scare too.

After his coffee.

So then I got to thinking...

I made our coffee just like normal...okay except I pulled our coffee pot out of the dishwasher that...might have been dirty BUT I threw some soap in it and washed it out. No prob, soap and kind of warm water kills everything right? So I thought. Until our coffee came bubbling over instead of boiling. JUST KIDDING! It didn't do that...no no. It tasted fine. Maybe even better than normal. So we drank it. And drank it we did.

And then we were posioned. Bryan's still in the hospital. He may not make it. They said they may have to take out his liver and stomach. He'll never be able to drink coffee--or eat again.

But hey, at least I'm not pregnant!!!

(Oh sure, don't act like you've never done that.)

HIT LIST

I'd like to send out a personal warning to anyone who bids on a certain skirt on eBay.

If you out bid me on this $10 skirt that I don't need, I WILL find you. And I WILL hunt you down and outbid you on everything that you ever bid on for the rest of your eBay life.*

DON'T. MESS. WITH. ME.

*even though i don't have the money to actually outbid you....just don't worry about the details. I"ll outbid you, even if it means bankruptcy and legal trouble. Leave my skirt alone.

you had my heart at paper shredder...

"I saw something at Office Max today and I wanted to buy it for you!" --b. skeen