Over the 23, er 24, years of my life, I have found that one theme remains the same: my name is a very hard concept for old people and well people in general to understand. In fact it's hard for Microsoft Word to understand. But, I forgive you Bill Gates. Or maybe I'll sue you, then forgive you. You'll learn that Kendo is not the correct spelling the hard way.
Most conversation with people over 45 or with the hearing impaired:
"I'm Kendi."
"Oh, Cindy? Hi, Cindy."
"Oh, no it's Kendi, like Cindy with a K." (cue smile that I've practiced with that line for the last 20 years.)
"Oh, Kendi. Cindy, is it?"
"Yes, Cindy with a K."
"Kendi, well nice to meet you. Or is it Kinder?"
At this point I pull out my knife and carve my name in extra-large print edition letters on the nearest wooden tablet. Although I do this in vain, since they won't remember me or my convaluded name tomorrow.
At least I have a nice large tablet name tag to use at gun shows, rv parks and old people conventions. Or for when Bryan and I got toasty and want to re-enact the Moses and the Ten Commandments.
October 30, 2008
October 28, 2008
Drug-Tested and Job Approved.
Oh, the lessons I learn.
What not to say when being tested for drugs for a new job:
"i don't know about drugs, but I bet that will test positive for Dr. Pepper."
What not to say when being tested for drugs for a new job:
"i don't know about drugs, but I bet that will test positive for Dr. Pepper."
October 27, 2008
Hello Workforce, it's me, Kendi.
So I've once again re-joined the ranks of the living and employed. I got a job! And I accidentally turned 24. And I voted. Straight Libertarian party ticket. All on the same day. I am officially an adult. But a young adult. Just remember that.
By the way, my face in fact did not turn into a brown paper sack the minute I turned 24. That must happen when you turn 25....
By the way, my face in fact did not turn into a brown paper sack the minute I turned 24. That must happen when you turn 25....
October 21, 2008
Best.Job.Ever.
Although still unemployed and very underpayed, I still drudge through the classifieds for jobs daily. That is until I came upon this little gem:
Well it may not put food on the table or pay our bills, but by God I will go and fill that pew. And I will bring my spouse, children, parents, neighbors, guy from McDonalds that always makes my McLatte just right, my in-laws, my dog, my cousins, my bff, the mailman, the oil change man, my ex-boyfriend from 3rd grade, Victoria Beckham. In fact I will hi-jack a tourist bus full of chinese people and bring them too. We will fill those pews, Faith Baptist Church. See you and my paycheck in heaven.
Well it may not put food on the table or pay our bills, but by God I will go and fill that pew. And I will bring my spouse, children, parents, neighbors, guy from McDonalds that always makes my McLatte just right, my in-laws, my dog, my cousins, my bff, the mailman, the oil change man, my ex-boyfriend from 3rd grade, Victoria Beckham. In fact I will hi-jack a tourist bus full of chinese people and bring them too. We will fill those pews, Faith Baptist Church. See you and my paycheck in heaven.
October 16, 2008
It Ain't Easy Being Green
Not that anyone cares, but our trash guys totally dump the recycled trash into the same bin as the other trash. i've watched them every thursday, pull up in their big trash truck listening to what suspiciously sounds like celine dion, and then the guys pick both bins up, recycled and non-recycled, and dump them in the same truck. No sorting, no discussion of sustainability, nothing. well maybe a couple of high fives to eachother, but that's it. and I'm pretty sure they aren't high fiving and self-crotch-grabbing over recycled goods.
Now i know why no one else in the neighborhood recycles. I feel really bad for sending out that pamplet/track on recycling and Jesus. Maybe the message "You will burn in Hell with all of your trash" was a bit too harsh, now that I think about it.
Now I know what I don't have neighboorhood friends.
Now i know why no one else in the neighborhood recycles. I feel really bad for sending out that pamplet/track on recycling and Jesus. Maybe the message "You will burn in Hell with all of your trash" was a bit too harsh, now that I think about it.
Now I know what I don't have neighboorhood friends.
October 15, 2008
October 12, 2008
Open Letter to a Target Dressing Room
Bitterness comes in many forms. Today it was in the shape of my body. So here is an open letter to the Target mirror, who has ruined my life: ( you know who you are, mirror.)
Dear 45-degree angle mirror that was unfortunately installed at every Target across the southern U.S. region,
I knew you for 10 seconds and you showed me the world. And by world, I mean that odd angle of my back, ass and thighs. I stand here today to thank you for that. Partially because it caused me not to purchase anything and now I have a savings account. And partially because what I know now may have burned a harsh image in my mind, but it will remind me forever to be aware of who is standing at what degree around me. You showed me that, no I'm not attractive from all sides, as my friend Self Esteem told me for years. You showed me that weird fat pocket where my arms connect to my back that I've never seen before--not even on "The Biggest Loser" or Kirstie Alley in those before and after diet commercials.
Thank you Target for once again reminding me that yes indeed, I do look better with all of my clothes, shoes, make up and accessories on. Target, you have not not only mastered the poor fit, but also developed a new type of dressing room that has not one but two mirrors. This way, not only can I see my ill fitted t-shirt from the front, but now i can see it at a 45 degree angle from behind. Up until a week ago, I'd never seen myself from such an angle. And with God on my side, I pray that I never have to again. I now know to not ever let anyone stand at that angle, in direct or florescent light, with at least one working eye look at me, half clothed, ever again. Before I was letting heaven knows who stare at my partially naked body from whatever angle they chose. But not now. It will be from the front, in dim lighting with a heavy cotton robe on, or nothing at all. Thank you Target for letting me in on this pressing matter. Global warming may be an issue for millions, but from my point of view global warming has now been trumped by my ass.
Oh Target Mirror, we sure did have some good times though. You made me laugh, when it looked like there was no way that I could possibly wear that size because I look 20 lbs heavier from where you were standing. You made me cry, when I think of all the people who have seen me in a bathing suit or shorts from behind. It's been a hard road to walk down, but I know that I can always look back at a 45 degree angle and know that you're still there--judging me and my body. I don't know why they pay you to do your job, but I'm glad they do. I will no longer try on clothes, I'll simply grab, buy and pray to God that all of my mirrors at home are broken and that I still wear the same size. You've shown me the good, the bad and the lumpy. I hope you break into a million pieces and burn in retail mirror hell.
Hearing the truth hurts, but seeing it is worse.
Dear 45-degree angle mirror that was unfortunately installed at every Target across the southern U.S. region,
I knew you for 10 seconds and you showed me the world. And by world, I mean that odd angle of my back, ass and thighs. I stand here today to thank you for that. Partially because it caused me not to purchase anything and now I have a savings account. And partially because what I know now may have burned a harsh image in my mind, but it will remind me forever to be aware of who is standing at what degree around me. You showed me that, no I'm not attractive from all sides, as my friend Self Esteem told me for years. You showed me that weird fat pocket where my arms connect to my back that I've never seen before--not even on "The Biggest Loser" or Kirstie Alley in those before and after diet commercials.
Thank you Target for once again reminding me that yes indeed, I do look better with all of my clothes, shoes, make up and accessories on. Target, you have not not only mastered the poor fit, but also developed a new type of dressing room that has not one but two mirrors. This way, not only can I see my ill fitted t-shirt from the front, but now i can see it at a 45 degree angle from behind. Up until a week ago, I'd never seen myself from such an angle. And with God on my side, I pray that I never have to again. I now know to not ever let anyone stand at that angle, in direct or florescent light, with at least one working eye look at me, half clothed, ever again. Before I was letting heaven knows who stare at my partially naked body from whatever angle they chose. But not now. It will be from the front, in dim lighting with a heavy cotton robe on, or nothing at all. Thank you Target for letting me in on this pressing matter. Global warming may be an issue for millions, but from my point of view global warming has now been trumped by my ass.
Oh Target Mirror, we sure did have some good times though. You made me laugh, when it looked like there was no way that I could possibly wear that size because I look 20 lbs heavier from where you were standing. You made me cry, when I think of all the people who have seen me in a bathing suit or shorts from behind. It's been a hard road to walk down, but I know that I can always look back at a 45 degree angle and know that you're still there--judging me and my body. I don't know why they pay you to do your job, but I'm glad they do. I will no longer try on clothes, I'll simply grab, buy and pray to God that all of my mirrors at home are broken and that I still wear the same size. You've shown me the good, the bad and the lumpy. I hope you break into a million pieces and burn in retail mirror hell.
Hearing the truth hurts, but seeing it is worse.
October 7, 2008
Sarah, Palin and Tall
I'm feeling presidential (which Bryan always corrects me and says I should be feeling 'political' not 'presidential', but I know what i mean). Which I'm normally not, I don't usually like to follow politics much because of the way the media portrays it. But since I have that loving feeling today, I thought that I'd make a political post.
Other Sarah's that I wish would have been considered for VP, besides Sarah Palin:
1. Sarah McLachlan: She loves animals.
2. Sarah Jessica Parker, If Arnold Swarzenegger gets to be governor, SJP should get a chance at VP. SJP 4 VP
3. Sarah from the Bible. I bet she was nice.
4. Sarah Plain and Tall, like Hillary but not a bitch.
5. Suri Holmes Cruise (Hebrew for Sarah, English for Justice)
6. Sarah Michelle Gellar aka Buffy the Vampire Slayer aka Sarah the Veto Slayer
7. Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York : I have no idea how she could pull it off since she isn't a U.S. citizen, but if she could...
8. Sarah Silverman: Everyone's favorite little Jewish girl.
Other Sarah's that I wish would have been considered for VP, besides Sarah Palin:
1. Sarah McLachlan: She loves animals.
2. Sarah Jessica Parker, If Arnold Swarzenegger gets to be governor, SJP should get a chance at VP. SJP 4 VP
3. Sarah from the Bible. I bet she was nice.
4. Sarah Plain and Tall, like Hillary but not a bitch.
5. Suri Holmes Cruise (Hebrew for Sarah, English for Justice)
6. Sarah Michelle Gellar aka Buffy the Vampire Slayer aka Sarah the Veto Slayer
7. Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York : I have no idea how she could pull it off since she isn't a U.S. citizen, but if she could...
8. Sarah Silverman: Everyone's favorite little Jewish girl.
October 6, 2008
October 2, 2008
1985
As it so happens this time of year, and every year as I'm figuring out, people start buying scary costumes, decorating with pumpkins and start talking about my birthday. [Side note 1: As for the costume decision, go with the Burger King guy costume. For$70 bucks it looks like the real deal. Side note 2: We're dressing Carlos up as Obama. Stay tuned. ] Side notes outs, back to me. I don't like my birthday for one thing and I certainly don't like my 24th birthday. It's freaking looming over me, haunting me with every day that passes. I'm not being dramatic, it really is. So I've made a list of why I don't want to turn 24.
Here is why I don't want to turn 24 and why I will stay 23 until I turn 25, maybe, unless I decide to stay 23:
1. I definetly don't want to turn 24 because when people ask my age, I'll say"24" and they'll say "Oh, do you watch the show?" And they will leave me no choice other than to punch them in the face and walk off.
2. Because people will now think that it is an acceptable age to start having babies. 23 sounds young, 24 sounds just right. Well my internal clock still thinks I'm 16, and I'm not telling her any different.
3. No one will card me at the movie theatre anymore. I know that the day I turn 24, all of my skin will fall off and it will be replaced with an old, dirty, crinkled paper-sack face. I will have so many wrinkles people will ask to see my medicaid card more than my i.d.
4. Because it's not cool to be 24 and unemployed. I bet if you asked 100 14 year olds where they want to be in 10 years, 100% would NOT say "be 24 and unemployed."
"What do you want to be when you grow up, Suzy?" "Unemployed and not looking."
5. It is no longer classified as young and reckless, it will be classified as old and irresponsible.
6. I can't sneak into highschool classes and pretend for a day that I'm 18. Technically, I've never done that, but I wish that I would have now that I'm too old.
7. I'll probably be asked to go on youth trips, not as the fun, crazy and young chaparone but the old, mean lady who hangs around young people just to feel life again.
8. I can't shop at forever21 anymore.
9. Because I like being 7 years away from 30 than 6 years away.
10. Because I have an extreme case of ageism, and with every birthday I have I am closer and closer to becoming one of them.
11. Because my 24th birthday would just so happen to fall on a Monday. And I friggin hate Mondays. In fact, I hate Monday so much that I have now change it's name to Doomsday. So great, my 24th birthday is now on Doomsday.
There is only one antidote to my problem: gifts. Make them good this year.
Here is why I don't want to turn 24 and why I will stay 23 until I turn 25, maybe, unless I decide to stay 23:
1. I definetly don't want to turn 24 because when people ask my age, I'll say"24" and they'll say "Oh, do you watch the show?" And they will leave me no choice other than to punch them in the face and walk off.
2. Because people will now think that it is an acceptable age to start having babies. 23 sounds young, 24 sounds just right. Well my internal clock still thinks I'm 16, and I'm not telling her any different.
3. No one will card me at the movie theatre anymore. I know that the day I turn 24, all of my skin will fall off and it will be replaced with an old, dirty, crinkled paper-sack face. I will have so many wrinkles people will ask to see my medicaid card more than my i.d.
4. Because it's not cool to be 24 and unemployed. I bet if you asked 100 14 year olds where they want to be in 10 years, 100% would NOT say "be 24 and unemployed."
"What do you want to be when you grow up, Suzy?" "Unemployed and not looking."
5. It is no longer classified as young and reckless, it will be classified as old and irresponsible.
6. I can't sneak into highschool classes and pretend for a day that I'm 18. Technically, I've never done that, but I wish that I would have now that I'm too old.
7. I'll probably be asked to go on youth trips, not as the fun, crazy and young chaparone but the old, mean lady who hangs around young people just to feel life again.
8. I can't shop at forever21 anymore.
9. Because I like being 7 years away from 30 than 6 years away.
10. Because I have an extreme case of ageism, and with every birthday I have I am closer and closer to becoming one of them.
11. Because my 24th birthday would just so happen to fall on a Monday. And I friggin hate Mondays. In fact, I hate Monday so much that I have now change it's name to Doomsday. So great, my 24th birthday is now on Doomsday.
There is only one antidote to my problem: gifts. Make them good this year.
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