3 ways to lose friends

I just saw a commercial on these shoes:

They are called Shape-Ups and they promise three things:

1. Toned muscles

2. Weight Loss

3. Easy way to get in shape

Yes, I'm sure they do all three of those things. Because when you wear those shoes you will find yourself chasing people who are running far, far away from you (tone muscles) and no one invites you to lunch (weight loss). It's just that easy.

this is not my idea of a good saturday morning

We woke up to find that yes, my car was broken into and no, they didn't steal a thing. The audacity. They literally just opened up every compartment or door possible and left it open. This is insulting. That pretty much says to me that nothing in my car was valuable enough for these low-life's to take. Bryan's keys were even sitting in the front seat and they didn't even want those for fear of what else we were hiding in our garage or God-forbid what worthless crap we had in our house. I just don't know why anyone wouldn't want old receipts, straw wrappers, old sonic cups that are still half-full, some mismatched shoes, an empty bottle of advil, and a few unmarked mixed cd's? what's wrong with thieves these days? What happened to those good old fashioned thieves that would steal anything you had? This bad economy has really turned some beggars into choosers.

The least they could have done was taken a joy-ride in it. That would have made me feel better about them not wanting anything i own. I guess if I want my car stolen these days, I'm really going to have to start making an effort. I think tonight I'll leave all of the doors wide open filled with candy, DVD players and iPods. My car will be the most popular on the block. Everyone will want my car.

p.s. I just found the culprit. No wonder nothing was stolen, I was fresh out of milkbones.

Oh, just your typical Friday evening

Ok, so maybe not your typical evening, but fun none the less. (can you see what this week did to us? we've gone crazy.)

happy weekend.

k&b

Exactly, Wolfgang, exactly

I just watched Top Chef and Wolfgang Puck was a judge. He gave this advice:

"if you can't even use the simplest of seasonings, then why cook??"

That's why I don't cook, I drive-thru.

Here's an equation for you...

today + (the movement of time* very slow) + headache [to the flourescent light degree] - lunch break/ the lack of water and air conditioning for 6 our of the last 7 days + more voicemails then I can count = longest day, possibly ever.

 

 

 

 

 

To the Week of August 23-28th:

I think we need to talk. This has been going on for far too long. Because of you our house is messy, work is crazy, days are long and my hair has not seen a good day since Sunday. I think it's safe to say that you have outstayed your welcome. And I think you are doing it on purpose. I'm not pointing fingers but I think that you are just jealous because I enjoyed last weekend so much. Enough already. We are through. Now hurry up and pack your things so the weekend can move on in.

mister skeen

I have the most dashing husband ever.


your knees just buckled and your heart melted didn't it? i know. happens to me all the time.

On your mark, get set...drugs!

Sometimes at night, Bryan and I will take a couple of Tylenol PMs and see who falls asleep first. Tonight he won. But when he wakes up tomorrow and looks in the mirror to find obscenities drawn on his face in permanent marker, he'll know who has really won.

it's getting hot in here, so replace our air conditioner...

since wednesday, the inside of our house has been averaging 90 degrees. summer pissed off our air conditioner, so AC quit his job, saying he was going to go back to school to really "make something of himself." we've hired another air conditioner but he can't start until next week. pretty much every person i've told this sad, sorrowful story to has said the same thing: get a hotel. but you see that would cut into our wine/starbucks fund and let's be honest -- that's just not going to happen. a few things i've learned since AC quit.

deodorant does not work on your face.
i swear i saw our curtains start to sweat and then our refrigerator passed out from heat exhaustion.
there is no cool side of the pillow when their is no AC. I honestly had no idea those two were related.
restuarants don't like you to sit in a booth for 4 hours and just order water.
we were asked if we wanted a window unit installed. we declined -- we want our air conditioner fixed.

so the upside? when you show up at the gym already sweaty, people are really impressed.

downside? when you show up to work already sweaty, no one asks you to lunch.

Note to Salesmen Everywhere

Do not sign your sales-pitch emails with this suffix following your name:

CFNG (Certified Fairly Nice Guy)

That only gets your email sent (immediately) to the trash. That's right nice guys finish last and get deleted. What did you go to Fairly Nice Guy school and get certified? Was it a 4 or 8 year program? Did you get your undergrad or your graduate degree there? Did they warn you that people would automatically hate you for signing anything like that? Did they tell you that by even mentioning the fact that you are a "fairly nice guy" gets you a punch in the face and demotes you to d-bag status? I bet you are a hit with the single ladies, Mr. Certified Fairly Nice Guy.

Also, quit sending awkward cookie bouquets. We've never even met.

Just kidding. You can keep sending those.

Kendi
CSP (Certified Sarcasm Provider)

happy hump day

(via lovepuppy)

Much like Lassie here, I am glad that it is not only Wednesday, but that I'm wearing a bucket hat and my Keens today.

this christmas

It may be August, but I've already started thinking about Christmas gifts for this year. (And if you are a part of the lucky Hudson clan, we will be celebrating the new holiday of "Christma-giving" this November. Bring a gift-wrapped turkey and an ornament, it's going to be great.) anyways, i'm thinking about giving everyone t-shirts this year. I've already found one for Bryan:

Of course I'm going to have to get an XXL since Bryan's been working out lately...

So if you are lucky enough to be on our Christmas list, a semi-insulting t-shirt that you will never wear outside your house is what you are getting. wrapped in our love.

dear google, it's me, Kendi.

Sometimes I find myself typing my problems into a google search. sadly the results are never actual solutions. normally i just end buying another snuggie or some of that acai berry juice.

also, i found out that google does not compute feelings. just search results.

i mad men-ed myself.

Let the countdown to the Mad Men premiere begin.

WWRD? (what would Reba do?)

When words fail me, there is always a Reba video that says exactly what I can not.

Most people either go to the gym or happy hour to unwind after work. I watch old Reba McEntire videos on youtube. This particular Reba-vid speaks to my soul. Is there life out there? I don't know, Reba, but I'm willing to work 2 shifts at a generic diner, go back to community college and graduate after taking 1 class, raise two kids and a husband in order to find out.

Reba McEntire - Is There Life Out There

lay-overs lay-overs are no fun.

whenever we fly somewhere I automatically want to do 1 of 2 things the instant our plane takes off:

1. ask if I can be a co-pilot for the day or at the very least can I have a set of wings for my denim jacket.

2. sit there very anxiously and when someone asks if everything is okay, I can say "I think I forgot something....KEVIN!!!!!" very Home Alone and very funny. It's a stewardist's favorite joke, this I know.

things i've learned while being layed over (that can not be the right terminallogy...) in the baltimore airport:

- old people farts might be a federal offense. I called the TSA officials over but no one thought it was arrest worthy. So i pulled my citizens arrest card out and sent that old man to the bathroom, where he should have been all along.

- i think i saw Kathy Griffin, Kenny Rogers and Waldo from Where's Waldo (I'm 90% sure it was him) roaming around Gate A11.

- Baltimore should be named Baltiless. it's pretty bland.

- Tis better to not drink a Venti iced coffee + Dr. Pepper on a full bladder before boarding a flight.

- I just saw a man run down the moving sidewalk. Seems a little redundant, no? Of course he was wearing a shir that said "Been there, done that. Went there, did that."

and since i'm that bored, I will leave you with this:

talk amongst yourselves.

Out of Office

If you email me at my work address this week, this is the message you will recieve:

I will be out of the office until Tuesday, August 11th. I will not have access to email or voicemail and I will definetly not be returning your call when I get back so there is no need to waste your breath. Now that that is settled, I will be lounging on the beach for a week while you sit in a chilly office, playing on facebook, drinking office coffee and wishing you were me.

Oh and one last thing: Nanny nanny boo boo.

shark week can bite me.

are there really that many people actually tuning in to discovery channel to watch Shark Week?? Virtually every person I know on facebook is like:
"yessssssssssssss, it's shark week!"
"can't wait to go home and watch shark week with my pet fish!"
"forget human beings and social interactions, shark week is on!!!!"
"i love shark week more than my own child."

of course if it was something really intersting like dirt week or rock week, then that would be worth updating about. but shark week? meh.

"Tanning beds now listed among top cancer risks"

You can imagine my surprise when I read this article on my iphone. I was actually laying in a tanning bed reading this article (Usually I just tan at home in 1 of the 3 tanning beds at our house, but since we are going to the beach this week, I thought I'd take advantage of a 4th bed.) I mean, I always had a feeling that the fried chicken smell that was coming off my skin wasn't necessarily a good thing, but I had no idea it was serious. Cancer trumps fried chicken smelling skin, which is why I tan in the first place. I love me some KFC, so why not smell and look like a drumstick?

Anyways, here's a picture of me at the beach last year. I'm really trying to achieve this look again:



We'll see. I'm hoping this "cancer" scare is just a rumor.