some like it hot

I hate to say this but there is someone else in the relatioship. Our marriage is now not just between two but three. Every night she goes to bed with us. It's my heating pad, Jean. And Bryan hates her.

When we get ready for bed every night, I sneak her in on my side. Bryan gets in the bed and puts his arm around me, finds Jean just doing her job, gets jealous and kicks her out. It's just not fair. He's given me an ultimatum: him or the heating pad. I've weighed my options -- they both keep me warm at night but jean doesn't have a job and doesn't talk to me. Bryan takes me on dates and helps me clean the house, but he farts into our couch a lot and I hate that. Jean would never do that, mostly because she doesn't have a digestive system. Oh another point for Jean -- I don't have to feed her.

It's going to be a tough decision.

New Lent Resolutions

I asked a co-worker on Ash Wednesday what she was giving up for Lent. She said junk food. She then explained to me that she had dieted a while back and it was working out for her but she'd fallen off the wagon. So she's going to give up junk food and start exercising for Lent.

As she walked off I wondered if I had asked about Lent or her New Year's Resolutions. I'm all for self-improvement, but I've got a suspicious feeling that when you turn Lent into a diet program you've missed the point.

Well, I'm off to go eat a pound of chocolate since I gave up exercise and french fries. The next 40 days are going to be rough.

passive-agressive revenge

Tonight we cheated on our groceries and went to Chili's. we shouldn't have and we've since apologized to our perfectly good box of hamburger helper. But there is just something about going to the nicest restaurant in town on a Tuesday night that makes us want to rebel.

So we get there and we immediately regret it. Our waitress was awful, there were birthday parties on either side of us, and a scary alien baby wouldn't quit staring at me and my ovaries. I pray he didn't see his brother in there. That was only the begining.

As I went in for a bite of my burger, I noticed that the inside looked more like a Victoria Secret's bag than cooked meat. (It was hot pink, not covered in sheer lace.) This is the second time this has happened to me at this Chili's. And for B this was the last time it would happen. We waited for the waitress to come around and she told us that it was just the "way we cook it here. next time ask them to cook it well well well well well done." Then she apologized for not being around more and asked if she could do anything else. I had a feeling that her father had said the same thing to her a few years back about her childhood. "So, do you really want me to do something about it?" She asked, like she was threatening us in a dark alley. We said no, knowing that it wouldn't do any good. She handed us our ticket, told us to come back again when she wasn't so busy and walked away. But tucked into our receipt was a beacon of redemption. The Online Survey. Like a light in a dark tunnel, B spotted his revenge.

So now we are sitting on the couch and all I can hear are angry fingers slamming on B's poor keyboard and him talking to himself. He's filling out the online survey in hopes to get a young girl fired and 10% off our next meal. I've never seen this side of him before. He is really mad. It's kind of cute, in a way though, him defending me albeit over an online survey.

It's just like Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing. No one puts baby in a corner table and gives her a raw hamburger to chew on. No one.

like looking in a mirror

This past week was apparently "doppleganger" week on facebook. All of a sudden my friends become very pretty and looked like movie stars. That's because they all put up pictures of their celebrity look-alikes. (which makes you wonder -- are there celebrities out there posting pictures of normal looking people?) I decided to jump in on the fun, so I put up a picture of Katherine McPhee from American Idol.

I felt really good about this choice, in fact I made everyone call me by her name for the rest of the week. We even bought that American Idol kareoke game so that I could train for the try outs next year. Just as I was feeling really good about becoming/stalking Kat McPhee (my friends call me Kat), this happened:

So is this is your way of saying you look nothing like me, Kat? Bleaching your hair blonde and getting really skinny is low, Kat. Even for you/me.

Oh and you can go ahead and take down my picture that I know you posted on facebook. We're done here.

smells like teen spirit

I was talking to my mom last night on the phone. She said that dad and her went to Target and she got a new cd. Taylor Swift's cd to be exact. After walking her though "how to play a cd in iTunes", she told me how much she loved Taylor Swift, what a great artist she was at such a young age.  

 

"Could you imagine how proud her mother must be? I mean I'm proud of you, of course, but imagine being her mom! I bet she is SO proud!"

 

Thanks mom. I'm sorry none of the songs I wrote when I was 17 got picked up on the radio. I still think "Boy, Why are You Ignoring Me?" or "Acne Scars" could have made me a star.

kendi for a day

So we have some students coming this week for job shadowing day. We have an hour to tell them about our job and what we do each day. Here is what I will show them and talk about, my day hour by hour:

8:30 am -- stumble in, apologizing for being late again --for the last year and a half. Apologies are always accepted.

8:45 am -- go to the bathroom and finish your makeup. Always remember: self first, work second.

9:00 am -- go warm up your coffee -- nutrition is vital to a good workday

10:00 am -- go visit with co-workers, inter-office friendships are important to keep.

11:00 am -- check your personal email, blogs you follow, and feel free to shop online. Keep your facebook browsing to a minimum, employers hate facebook. don't even think about going to myspace.

12:00 -- lunch time!

1:15 pm -- settle in for the day, check your work email, answer some phone calls

2:00 pm -- shuffle some papers on your desk, make it look really messy and like you are stressed out. make sure your calendar is full. I like to fill my work calendar with everyone's birthday because at a glance birthdays look like appointments. Appointments look busy.

3:00 pm -- bathroom break

3:30 pm -- iphone break

4:00 pm -- start shutting down applications on your computer. You want to be ready for 5 o'clock.

4:30 pm -- Re-organize those papers you shuffled around earlier. Always leave with a clean desk. It makes you look like you really accomplished something.

4:59 pm -- wait for it...

5:00 pm -- quietly sneak out of your office by taking off your shoes or any noise making jewelry. I always use a back door whenever possible. Be sure to leave your desk chair out and monitor on so it looks as if someone might have stepped out for a minute and might just come back.