Things I've learned as a Newlywed #24

Do not decide to re-arrange your house 24 hours before guests arrive. And by guests I mean in-laws.

Okkkkaaayyyy

Today at work, a co-worker was talking to me and asked me what I was smiling about. I didn't actually know that I was smiling. Yet another awkward situation where I couldn't think of an appropriate comeback. So I said "oh this old thing?" as the smile slowly went back into it's cave.

Tell me dear audience, what is the best answer for that snide little question? (This is a multiple choice test, don't worry.)

A. Because I just pooped my pants. And it wasn't an accident.
B. I just won my 10th game of minesweeper today.
C. I forgot where I was for a moment. Thanks for bringing me back down.
D.I just finished my letter of resignation. Did you need something?

Grrrrr.....

Why is it that the ONE day that I am early to work, my boss is late?!?!?!

I'm pretty sure I was early the day of my interview and today....

i hate daylight savings time.

I'm so confused. I don't know what time it is. Every clock in the house is different and probably wrong. I don't even know how I made it to work today. It was so dark and confusing when I woke up. I was half-way sure that I was going to be an hour early to work today. But really I was 30 minutes late. Which is weird, somehow by the time I leave my car in the parking lot and get to my desk in the morning it's 10 minutes later than what my car said. And it's literally two steps away. Yes, I can honestly say, I don't know what time it is.

I feel weird about my nose.

i think my nose is getting bigger. probably as i type this. bryan and i took some photos in the canyon today and i'm pretty sure my nose has grown larger in the past year. i've been noticing this lately, my obtruse nose. I'm starting to feel like I should get in touch with my jewish heritage all of a sudden. I suddenly feel like I've been missing out on yom kippur all of these years. The years of my petite nose.

Make-up kind of hides it, but only until about 2:00 pm then all my make-up wears off and my nose sticks out like a sore thumb -- or like a big nose. I knew this one girl in high school, her name was Barbie and she had a honker. I mean probably the largest nose I've ever seen. Rhinoplasty would not help this nose. A sledge hammer might, but it would take a lot of swings to knock that tree down. Anyways, not only did she have the largest nose in the world, she also had the worst sneeze. This girl would howl for about 20 seconds before she sneezed, like a warning siren. It was absolutely terrifying. Fall was the worst (she had allergies). In class, I jumped everytime she sneezed and then we'd all look back to see if her nose was still there or if she had blown it off with that nuclear bomb of a sneeze. Still there.

I wonder where is she now, with her large nose and totally ironic name. Hopefully by now someone, somewhere has told her if that nose is going to stay, that sneeze has gots to go.

Anyways, I feel weird about my nose. But I'm okay with the way I sneeze. Kendi-1, Barbie - 0.

Things I've Learned as Newlywed #20, 21, 22, 23

4 things i've learned today at 9:53 a.m.:

1. if your husband is getting ready for work and asks, "does this look okay?" the correct answer is not "you look like you are going out for milk." apparently the correct answer is "yes" even if this costs you a lie.

2. people find out when you put a rock over your dog's poop instead of picking it up and throwing it away. also, at some point you run out of rocks because dog's never run out of poop.

3. i have had more people in the last week ask me to be involved with younglife than when i was in college and actually was involved with younglife.

4. old people get b.o. too. I thought it was just for pre-pubescent teens and athletes. (note: old people b.o. is very offensive)

You know why I don't watch the show LOST?

Because when I ask a simple questions like "how did they get there?"
Bryan says, stunned that I don't already know: "time travel."

Of course! Time travel. Not by car, not by boat, not by plane. By freaking time travel.

That's why I stick to reality tv or children's programs.

Lucky Dog

I just spilled all of Carlos's food -- and I mean ALL of his food.

Of course, this wasn't really a problem for him.

Oh Carlos, always the optimist.

O.B.P.

I hate office birthday party's. I really do. I'm pretty sure hell is an employee-only birthday party at a dentist office with cream cheese icing cupcakes and NO water.

Anyways, we had this birthday party today at work for the new girl and boy was it fun. Just kidding, it wasn't. So 25 awkward minutes later we all start to move towards the trash can and back to our work when I turn to the new girl and offer up my best "happy b-day." she then turns to me and says the best response i have ever heard to a happy birthday:

"Thanks! It was really good to see your face today."

A slow "okay" came out of my mouth as she hopped along on her weird little way. I love that this girl thought that I actually wanted to come to her office birthday party and then thanked me for coming. I then felt bad that I didn't bring a gift. I might leave one on her desk tomorrow. But what to give someone you don't really know?

I know! I"ll leave a headshot of myself. That was she can say "It was really good to see your face today" everyday.

Pottery Barn should pay me...

Over at my friend amanduh's site (just kidding, she doesn't really spell her name like that. i just wanted to get revenge on people with normal names) I saw this picture from pottery barn:

Much to my amazement I looked up from my computer and saw this in my very own living room:

POTTERY BARN STOLE MY IDEA!!!!!!!!!!

I have yet to see royalties.

What's in a name?

I like my name. I really do. It's always been a source of identity for me. It always set me apart, made me immediately unique. I always knew that I would be the only Kendi in the room. Unless I was at a Kendi convention and in that case, I've never met a Kendi I didn't like.

However, there are things about my name that are starting to not only annoy me but haunt me on a daily basis. Such as people spelling my name wrong on an email. A reply email. Specifically a reply email from someone who I've been emailing with for this past 4 months. "Kendee", while phenotically right, it is so very wrong.

Number of times my name has been misspelled while using all the right letters (kendie, kindi, kendee, kindie): 459

Number of times my name has been mistaken for "Candy": 1,207

Number of times people who have never met me have said "I thought you'd be black": 3

Number of times my name has been mispronounced as Kenzie, Kendra, Kennedy, Cindy, Mindy, McKenzie, Karen, and Ricky: 4,800

Number of times in a normal 5-minute conversation I have to correct my name to someone new: 4

Number of people who ask me on a monthly basis if my name is short for anything: 15

Number of times I want to say "Yes, it's short for Celeste" to those inquiries: 15

Chance that anyone will get my name right tomorrow: 67%

Chance that I will be annoyed at these mistakes: 100%

Really, Monday?

I have spilled two drinks and a whole bag of dog food, left my car running while Bryan filled it up with gas, gave my opinion a little too strongly and made fun of a blind person today. If this is a precursor to how the week is going to go, I'm going to wear knee pads tomorrow.