Pizza Face

Bryan and I just figured out we were on the same acne medication in high school. This means one of two things:

1) our kids are doomed.
2) we are soul mates.

No Pain, No Gain

The other day at the gym I wandered over to the weight machines. This isn't normal territory for me, but I thought "why not?" As I'm doing some arm machine that's supposed to make me look like a male body builder (ten lbs at a time people), an old man trainer is standing to the side talking to a gym member.

"You'd be surprised -- I'd say that no one knows what they are doing on these machines. You wouldn't believe what some people do."

I'm listening to this guy go on and on. And as I look up from my cell phone, he locks eyes with me. And he does not let them go.

What? There is no law against texting and weight lifting. I rest my case.

Now I Know

Apparently saying "I want to eat your baby" is not appropriate when complimenting one's newborn child.

Well, now I know. How am I supposed to learn if I don't make a few mistakes right?

Also, I'm free for babysitting, if anyone is interested.

It's a Date

I tend to use the term "date night" a lot when talking about evenings with my husband. Perhaps more than your average wife. I would hate for anyone to get the wrong idea about us, so let me explain what constitutes a date night:

- any meal that I don't have to cook or clean up = date night

- any time we leave the house past 6 pm, no matter where we go = date night

- if the tv is on = date night

- if I am dressed in something other than sweat pants and Bryan has showered that day = date night

- if there is wine present = date night

- if someone says the words "date" "night" or "dinner" = date night  (however if the words "is it ready yet?" "what's for dinner" or the term "supper" is used, it is not a date night)

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that date night is pretty much every night. Not because we are a couple of romantics, but because we both have very low standards of fun and zero expectations. 

Yoga Class

I stretched.
I sneezed.
I farted.

Am I too late?

I know it's the end of February, but is it too late to post my NY Resolutions? Yes? Okay, cool. Still going to do it. I like to post resolutions that I can or have already accomplished. That way I already feel esteemed.  Specifically on this list, I've already accomplished 5-7. Still working on number 8.

1. take a multi-vitamin every day, specific to growing longer hair and nails
2. up your daily intake of chocolate
3. drink more water, because chocolate causes cotton mouth
4. stop drinking wine
5. just kidding, keep drinking wine. why stop now?
6. lie about your weekly intake of wine to anyone who asks.
7. branch out -- try a new wine, read a new book or make eye contact with people when they say "hi"
8. stop telling people they look like celebrities. no one likes to hear "you look just like robin williams."
9. wear jeans a size too big every once in a while and tell people about your amazing new diet of cheese and chocolate croissants.
10. stop telling people you're "into" yoga. people don't realize you are talking about frozen yogurt which you like to call frozen yoga.

Maybe I should call this my bucket list instead of NY Resolutions. Just kidding, that movie was weird.

Good Morning, America

If you've ever wondered what a good night's sleep looks like, this is it.

I think I can speak for us all when I say Bryan is one lucky guy to see this each and every morning. 

Hey, that's not very nice.

My husband just told me I was being "a huge wiener." I'm scared to ask if this is figuratively or literally.



(Also, does he mean as a body part, a member of the Wiener clan or a type of sausage?)

In The Bedroom

We've been married for three years and some change. (Who's counting?) Most people say this is when newlyweds lose the "spark" in the bedroom. Not us. You want to know our secret?

Video Chat.

From a different room. Completely clothed. I'm even wearing a cardigan under the sheets.

Sometimes if I'm feeling frisky, I'll smudge all of my make up and it looks like I have two black eyes. It drives Bryan wild.

Note to Self

You can't tell your husband to quit farting in the house with the phrase "this isn't a barnyard" when your house in fact looks like a barnyard.

You also can't get mad when your husband retorts "yeah, this isn't a barnyard...yet."

He's right. And he's being nice about it by using the word 'yet'. You really shouldn't have put those bales of hay up as decoration.

Happiest Place on Earth?

We went to Disney World this past weekend. In the Finding Nemo aquarium/ride at Epcot, we stood for a while watching the ocean life swim past the large window. It was beautiful to see a world that you typically don't get to see. Varieties of fish, a sting ray, and jelly fish swam by all in perfect harmony with each other. A dolphin playfully stayed by our window so that we could get a full up-close view of him. Turns out the dolphin was ready to go. And by ready to go I mean he had a boner.

I guess it really is the happiest place on Earth.

Bend and Snap

It's happened. I just did the inevitable mom bend-over. I knew this would happen one day, but not so soon. You know what I'm talking about -- the most un-sexy, pragmatic bend over possible. You aren't familiar? Let me explain.

Drop something small while standing.
Prepare your knees, they should be shoulder-width apart. The wider, the better.
Bend not only at your knees but also at your hips, keeping your legs wide. You should be able to stick your head in between and wave if necessary.
Make sure your butt is sticking straight up and out. Also, this will make you look about 30 lbs heavier, instantly.
Stay in this position for 10 or more seconds.
Do this right in front of your husband. He will pretend to ignore you, but his mind is ensuring the suspicions that the best years are now in the past. 

Three years of marriage and I've lost all of the sexy I borrowed from the TBS-edited episodes of Sex in the City. I brought sexy back just to put sweatpants on her and pull her unwashed hair into a tight, uneven bun.

The mister is doomed.