I cut my own bangs

and then used the leftover hair as a prop.



don't judge me. if all you had in your town were two dairy queens and a dollar tree that randomly closes at 4:30 pm mon through thursday, you would cut your own bangs because the hair salon/vetrinary clinic is too far away and then you would make yourself a bang mustache and frida kahlo brows too. and then you would get your reluctant husband to take a picture of you to put up on your blog that you would keep up just so people would know that you were still alive since the only telephone in the town is at the top of an electrical pole and it's hard to get up there more than once a week.

small townville might be making me unstable.

This just in: Cat smacks Woman

http://abc.go.com/primetime/afv/index?pn=player&itemId=363921

Why I love my Husband

When I ask the simple question "What is a gordita?" this is the answer I receive via office email:



Why do I love my husband? Because no one else would answer my question so thoroughly nor would they risk using all of their company's bandwith to send such a large picture.

When it rains, it pours old people

Kerrville --

Two things:

Please let your freakin old citizens know that it is not pertinent for each and every one of them to take a hit of laughing gas and get into their cars and start driving around town the minute it starts pouring rain. It is also not pertinent to drive 50 mph around a corner and swerve into a tree in order to miss hiting my Saturn ion. You could have hit me, I would have been okay. I would have finally gotten revenge on that car.

Also, fix your traffic lights. They all go out when it rains.

Is that your real name?

Someone just said to me on the phone "Your name is Kendi?? That's so cute!" I replied, "If you think that's cute, you should see my pigtails, overalls, and ruffle socks." I think she thought it was a joke...

good day, sunshine

Do you want to know what a good day in my book is? Waking up early enough to make a toaster strudel, getting to work late but before my boss, my boss calling to see if I wanted a starbucks I say yes, but I don't have cash, oh no problem I have a gift card she says. Then husband calls to tell me we have 3 6th row seat tickets for the spurs game tonight. With free parking. And all this happened before lunch.

That my friends is a good day.

You know it's time...

to do laundry when your laundry hamper breaks.

I do not like Green Eggs and Harem.

I ask you, who exactly are these pants made for? And what occasion? Because the last time I watched Aladdin circa 1993 I wanted some pants like that to look like Jasmine...for Halloween. I was also 8 years old. I also wanted a pet monkey, for purposes unknown.

Can you imagine if these pants become popular? We are all going to want no thighs and big calves to fill these pants with. Cankles will be the new cleavage.

Note: I suppose a sultan could wear these pants. Of course, "A Sultan" and "Assaulting" sound awfully alike....

None of the Above

I just WebMD'd myself and found out I have either:

Gastreonitieristist
Ascaris worms
Panic attack
Cancer

Things aren't looking good for me. Thank goodness for an online doctor. I wonder where Dr. Web went to med school. Anyways, it doesn't matter any doctor that doesn't put me on a scale fully dressed and add 10 lbs to whatever number shows up is alright with me.

And since Dr. Web gave me multiple choices for my diagnosis, I figure that I get to pick my illness. I'll go with panic attack, since cancer seems drastic for a stomach ache and God knows I don't want to get ascaris worms again.

Magical Fruit

We made beans last night. And I have meetings all day. And the office bathroom walls are made of paper mache. I might explode.

In the event that I do in fact explode, I want to give something to each and every one of you to remember me by.

I've given Bryan permission to auction off these items in remembrance of me:

- our 14 year old 36" tube tv. This 50 lb. beauty will break any tv stand you put it on. (Just like I would if you sat me on one.)

- a small collection of My Little Pony's. (I always wanted purple, plastic-like hair that melts together when you curl it.)

- an unused broom

- and finally an empty bottle of beano with the words "if only..." written on it.

Wish my co-workers luck. I'll let you know if I make it through. And in case I do, the TV and broom are still for sale...

"Oh my bad, I thought you were a monkey."

"Man shoots woman, mistakes her for monkey."

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29685956/?GT1=43001

I'm not sure if I would be offended by being shot or by being confused with a monkey.

I thought about, and yes the being confused with a monkey would be worse.

I miss my boo.

Do you want to know what pathetic, twisted, make you want to vomit in your mouth then swallow it again, ridiculous, irrational puppy-love is?

When you've been away from your husband/bff for only 36 hours and you start looking at your wedding pictures because you miss him too much. :(

Don't worry I haven't broke out the champagne and the wedding playlist. That happens at hour 48.

(And if you are wondering, yes I did put my wedding dress on, re-enact the whole cermony and reception in front of a mirror and a cat, and then blew bubbles that I walked through on the way to my self-decorated car and drove around the block twice.)

Can you blame me?