"I feel like my whole life has been one 'Oh no she didn't' moment after the next."

-- my sister.

 

To all the girls out there who know what it feels like to wear loafers with colored tube socks, long shorts and a ralph lauren polo shirt specifically during the years 1996-1999, my sister sends her love.

selective hearing

I've noticed that the longer I've been married, the more I lose my hearing. For example during a fight my husband told me that we "needed to stop it." (obviously speaking to my heavy drug habit) and I heard "we need to adopt." As you can imagine, our fight went down a different road and since then, we've decided to adopt.
 
My friend Amy has been married for 10 years. The other day her husband said "my allergies are going crazy." She heard "my ARMS are going crazy." I'm not 100% sure but I'm pretty sure that she tackled his arms and pinned them down so they'd stop flailing. And then he sneezed on her face.
 
Of course it could be the ear plugs I keep in my ears at all times. But for now, I blame marriage.

things they don't tell you when you get married #475

Waking your husband up gently is harder than it sounds. Throwing shoes at his head is apparently an unacceptable substitution for an alarm clock.

frozen assets

I think we've reached the lowest point of our marriage. I realized this as my husband is standing in the freezer section of the grocery store. In our cart, he picks up two identical frozen dinners in his hands, looks back at me and says "Look! We can have the same thing for dinner!" Sheer excitement over the fact that we both picked out the same frozen dinner. Or perhaps it was when I was trying to decide between the generic brand crackers and the premium brand, when my husband nudges me and says "go ahead and get the real kind" with a wink. $55 later we have 6 frozen dinners for two,a bag of "real" crackers and a basket full of shame.

 

 

 

 

Over the Counter and Into My Mouth

You know you have a problem sleeping when sleep aids get assigned street names used regularly in your household:

Tylenol PM = night nights
Benydryl = bennys
Herbal sleepy time tea = that tea that has drugs in it
Red Wine = night juice

So after taking two night nights, a benny, some of that tea that has drugs in it and a hit of night juice, I barely woke up this morning. And by barely I mean my breathing was so shallow I might have been in a coma. And then I remembered I had a dream about a casino inside of a mall inside of a circus. Which let's be honest is albeit drug-induced still a genius idea. But when I was showering, needless to say, I was a bit slow on the draw. I kept going for the shampoo, body wash, conditioner like a person in a kitchen going for ingredients who has no idea how to cook and has been assigned to make Christmas dinner. Except I was the person in the shower and I had no idea how to clean myself properly. I'm pretty sure this is what the morning concoction consisted of:

body wash on face
shampoo on body
conditioner on arms and legs
face wash on hair

It's cool though because my arm hair is really soft and my eyebrows are having a really good hair day. As for the drugs, I'm sure they will wear off soon.

eating vegetables makes people angry

I've learned that as a vegetarian people feel like they can comment on whatever you eat. For example, when I was a meat eater I could order 2 value meals at McDonald's with double meat (as I so often did) and no one would say a word. In fact, sometimes they'd throw in a happy meal prize if I ate it all. Now I order a salad without chicken and I get looked at like I'm a crazy person followed by "No chicken?" and an eye roll. Then they just seem pissed as they write down my order, like writing "no chicken" hurts them personally. It's almost as if I killed their pet chicken, fried it up and then decided not to eat it. Worse, I went for their pet head of lettuce instead.

Ugly looks and mean sneers aside, I'm sticking with being a vegetarian. Lettuce has never rolled its eyes at me. Mostly because it doesn't have a face. Also, it tastes a lot better with salad dressing on it than a hamburger. Consequently, melting cheese on lettuce and smashing it between two pieces of bread and dipping it in ketchup isn't all that bad either.

in other news...

As I was going upstairs this morning, I had a mirage that the hand rail was salami. Does this mean I miss meat? Or that I secretly think that I can eat wood?

Pop culture has fried my brain. When I was listening to the radio the other day, I couldn't decide if Ludacris was a real word or a rapper. And I couldn't correctly spell or define either of them successfully.

 

I've stopped correcting my spell checker when it asks to replace my name with Kendo. I just let it happen. Somethings aren't worth the fight. (I also let it replace Obama with Osama. Just to frighten people a little bit more with my forwards.)

 

Every night this week, Bryan and I have ended up cursing loudly and have burned each of our hands while cooking dinner. Two out of four of our dinners have been salads.

 

Bryan asked how much a maid would cost to clean our house once a week. I said $500 a week, but that I'd do it for $200. Family discount.

 

We have a new exercise regimen and it seems to be working. We've started walking to the wine shop every night. Carrying 6 bottles of wine gives my arms the work out they deserve.

 

 

 

birthday presents

My husband's birthday is on Monday and people keep calling me asking me what they can give him. I've decided to make it easy on you guys and give you a list.

 

1. Gift cards to Anthropologie

2. Size 10 women's shoes from Steve Madden

3. unmarked envelopes or briefcases of cash

4. The 5th season of The Hills (his favorite show)

Just send the packages addressed to me and I'll make sure he gets them. And just to be safe, let's keep this gift exchange under wraps. Bryan loves surprises.

Say It Ain't So

How to Know When Your Husband Isn't Listening

When you say "How was your day?" and he answers "For sure!" He isn't listening.

 

When you ask "What do you want for dinner?" and he says "Awesome." He isn't listening.

 

When you say "Do I look fat?" and says "I don't know, maybe." He better not be listening.

 

When you say "Will you turn it down?" and he says "You saw a clown?" The tv is up too loud, give him a break he's trying.  

 

When you say "date night" amd he says "steak night?", he's just hungry for meat since you became a vegetarian.

 

When you say "I love shoes" and he says "I love you too", let it go. Sometimes listening isn't what it's cracked up to be.

 

rural spork

When we were in Seattle last week, we used the iPhone app "Urbanspoon" to help us find places to eat. Basically it gives you a choice of location, type of cuisine, and price range and then you hit the spinner and chance picks you out a restaurant. We found some amazing restaurants through this app.

Then we came back home. I wanted to see what Urbanspoon would come up with for Kerrville. This is what I got.

There's no place like home.

nuggets of wisdom

"You can only fart in a room so many times before someone realizes its you."
-- my husband on what goes around comes around