Am I too late?

I know it's the end of February, but is it too late to post my NY Resolutions? Yes? Okay, cool. Still going to do it. I like to post resolutions that I can or have already accomplished. That way I already feel esteemed.  Specifically on this list, I've already accomplished 5-7. Still working on number 8.

1. take a multi-vitamin every day, specific to growing longer hair and nails
2. up your daily intake of chocolate
3. drink more water, because chocolate causes cotton mouth
4. stop drinking wine
5. just kidding, keep drinking wine. why stop now?
6. lie about your weekly intake of wine to anyone who asks.
7. branch out -- try a new wine, read a new book or make eye contact with people when they say "hi"
8. stop telling people they look like celebrities. no one likes to hear "you look just like robin williams."
9. wear jeans a size too big every once in a while and tell people about your amazing new diet of cheese and chocolate croissants.
10. stop telling people you're "into" yoga. people don't realize you are talking about frozen yogurt which you like to call frozen yoga.

Maybe I should call this my bucket list instead of NY Resolutions. Just kidding, that movie was weird.

Good Morning, America

If you've ever wondered what a good night's sleep looks like, this is it.

I think I can speak for us all when I say Bryan is one lucky guy to see this each and every morning. 

Hey, that's not very nice.

My husband just told me I was being "a huge wiener." I'm scared to ask if this is figuratively or literally.



(Also, does he mean as a body part, a member of the Wiener clan or a type of sausage?)

In The Bedroom

We've been married for three years and some change. (Who's counting?) Most people say this is when newlyweds lose the "spark" in the bedroom. Not us. You want to know our secret?

Video Chat.

From a different room. Completely clothed. I'm even wearing a cardigan under the sheets.

Sometimes if I'm feeling frisky, I'll smudge all of my make up and it looks like I have two black eyes. It drives Bryan wild.

Note to Self

You can't tell your husband to quit farting in the house with the phrase "this isn't a barnyard" when your house in fact looks like a barnyard.

You also can't get mad when your husband retorts "yeah, this isn't a barnyard...yet."

He's right. And he's being nice about it by using the word 'yet'. You really shouldn't have put those bales of hay up as decoration.

Happiest Place on Earth?

We went to Disney World this past weekend. In the Finding Nemo aquarium/ride at Epcot, we stood for a while watching the ocean life swim past the large window. It was beautiful to see a world that you typically don't get to see. Varieties of fish, a sting ray, and jelly fish swam by all in perfect harmony with each other. A dolphin playfully stayed by our window so that we could get a full up-close view of him. Turns out the dolphin was ready to go. And by ready to go I mean he had a boner.

I guess it really is the happiest place on Earth.

Bend and Snap

It's happened. I just did the inevitable mom bend-over. I knew this would happen one day, but not so soon. You know what I'm talking about -- the most un-sexy, pragmatic bend over possible. You aren't familiar? Let me explain.

Drop something small while standing.
Prepare your knees, they should be shoulder-width apart. The wider, the better.
Bend not only at your knees but also at your hips, keeping your legs wide. You should be able to stick your head in between and wave if necessary.
Make sure your butt is sticking straight up and out. Also, this will make you look about 30 lbs heavier, instantly.
Stay in this position for 10 or more seconds.
Do this right in front of your husband. He will pretend to ignore you, but his mind is ensuring the suspicions that the best years are now in the past. 

Three years of marriage and I've lost all of the sexy I borrowed from the TBS-edited episodes of Sex in the City. I brought sexy back just to put sweatpants on her and pull her unwashed hair into a tight, uneven bun.

The mister is doomed.

those kind of girls

"Do you remember ring watches?"

"What?"

"You know watches that girl's wore on their fingers."

"I didn't hang out with those kind of girls."

Little did my husband know that he married one of those kind of girls. Wait till he sees my Beanie Baby collection from 6th grade. Ahhh snap.

Aunt of the Year

While playing with my two-year old nephew on Christmas Eve morn, I got a toy car stuck in my hair.

No one, not even the toddler, was amused. You should also note that the car was not hurt, nor was anyone under the age of 5. Just my pride and about two inches of hair.

I know what you're thinking. The whole "run the car up your hair" trick usually works with kids. Well, this time it didn't. Neither did the "let's-not-tell-your-mom-that-aunt-Kendi-got-pulled-over" quiet game. Moving toy parts and law enforcement officials are one of many reasons we don't have kids.

To the guy who works at the front counter of our gym:

We went to the gym 4 times last week. We only saw you once. Please do not say "I only saw you once this  week, I thought you guys were giving up already?" and then wink at us. You see, that would be like me saying "I only saw you once this week. I though you got fired. Or killed." And then not winking.

Winking doesn't take the aggressive out of passive-aggressive. Neither does writing about it on a blog that you don't read.

Touche. 

I want to be a hippie, but modern medecine makes it so hard.

For the last 4 days, I've felt the sickness creep in. And I have tried every homeopathic remedy in the book. Today, the good fight is over. I'm about to load up on every OTC medicine there is available, no matter what it remedies.

Drugs taken so far today: 5

It's only a matter of time before the hallucinations begin.

Good News, Bad News

It's a constant battle of good vs. evil in our house.