best husband ever?

my husband had the day off and you know what he did? He cleaned out my car.

I was just sitting at work thinking to myself, I have the best husband in the world. And then I got this in a text message with the caption:

"Looks like Marilyn Monroe was remembering her days as a coyote."

So what if the back seat of my car had an emptied out bottled of tylenol, lip gloss, a sweet & low packet and a Coyote Ugly soundtrack from 9th grade? I don't think that Marilyn even knew about Coyote Ugly.

Oh! Is that a quarter??

language barrier

The last few weeks Bryan and I have come to an understanding: We don't speak "baby." From the confusing aisles of Babies 'r' Us (for a shower gift) to saying "what the hell" and other soft explicitives  around a 2 1/2 year old, we've decided that either 1 of 2 things must happen before we are able to become parents. We must quit our side jobs as sailors and wash out our dirty mouths, and somehow become moral, responsible people.

 

It's not that we don't want kids; I mean just the other day I was picking out which kid I wanted ours to look like from a J.Crew catalog. But I don't think that a trip to Babies 'r' Us should end in tears and a trip to the nearest bar, if you are a good parent. (I couldn't even find the registry kiosk in that store. And did you know that there is a whole wall of pacifiers?!? ) There are just so many questions that need to be answered before we are parents. That's why I've created this quiz. Feel free to try it out, if you too are on the fence about having kids.

 

1. Have you ever locked your keys in your car while it was still running?

A. Yes

B. No

 

2. Have you ever dropped something very important and broke it?

A. Yes

B. No

 

3. Do you drive a trouble-some Saturn Ion?

A. Yes

B. No

 

4. Do you have trouble showering, brushing your teeth and getting yourself to work on time everyday?

A. Yes

B. No.

 

5. Does the show "A Baby Story" on TLC offend you?

A. Yes

B. No

 

6. Do you think "goo goo gah gah" is actually a form of baby language?

A. Yes

B. No

 

7. True or False: Babies do not need to be fed more than 1x a day.

 

8. True or False: Baby Powder comes from babies.

 

9. True or False: Fergie is a good name for a baby.

 

If you are like me and have answered "Yes"  or "True" to all of these questions, keep playing it safe. And take my advice – stay far, far away from Babies 'r' Us and toddlers. They will only make you feel large, inferior and evil.  

sign of the times

Chicken wing shortage? Our days must be limited.

http://www.usatoday.com/money/industries/food/2009-11-13-chicken-wings_N.htm

In other news, I thought that I was going to be a victim of a drive-by. Turned out it was another senior citizen in an '81 Buick with a bad transmission.

if i was wynonna judd

i would make this note to myself: never stand next to carrie underwood when a camera is around. you look like a transvestite version of a transvestite.

also, start washing your face at night and stop wearing that large, red wig. it's not as natural-looking as you think. you should have never bought it from that convincing asian women at the mall kiosk. i bet you bought those dead sea salt lotions too.

love can build a bridge, but it makes a terrible weave.

deal of the day

i logged onto amazon to do a little early christmas shopping and I scrolled down my page to find the deal of the day. that's when i encountered this:

Is that a two-toned watch, gawdy earrings and carrot-cut men's jeans? And look at that camera! Amazing, Amazon.com had 1993 on sale today.

do you know what i don't like about being an adult?

you have absolutely no one to tattle to.

that's not a good thing

As we were driving by the gym on our way to our weekly chilli's diner, I said that I needed to get back to the gym soon. that's when Bryan said "Oh yeah I forgot you still had a membership."

That's not a good thing.

I accidentally shut our website down at work because I forgot to do one little thing before I sent out a mass email to all of our customers.

That's not a good thing.

Bryan got his hair cut. He now looks like a Kennedy. Ted Kennedy to be exact.

That's not a good thing.

Tomorrow when I wake up, it won't be Monday. It will be Friday.

And that is a very good thing.

vegetables: the other unmeat

there is something you should know before you read this: we are gross. okay now that that is out of the way...

sometimes late at night, we order pizza online and have it delivered so we don't have to get off of the couch to consume thousands of calories that we will then let melt into our bodies as we drift off to bed. this happens more than we will ever admit but tonight while ordering online i found something alarming. something i've never seen before.

I'm sorry -- an "unmeat"? Obviously this is the opposite of meats, but it seems so wrong. Like in elementary when you weren't quite sure what the correct word was so you made it up. That's what domino's has done. I bet "fruits and vegetables" was on the tip of their tongues when they were thinking of options for this site. It's like saying bikes are "uncars", a woman is an "unman" and being naked is "undressed" (okay, that one actually works). In fact, I'm thinking about becoming an "unmeatarian." I'm going to uncage myself from this prison of meats i've been living in. And to the pizza delivery guy I will unclose the door and greet him with an ungoodbye and let him know to tell Mr. Dominos himself that he has changed my life with this retarded little mistake.

p.s. is it normal to clean your living room for the first time in a week just for the pizza guy?

excuse me sir, do you have the time?

You know the thing about daylight savings time is it plays tricks on your mind. a) i still don't understand why this is necessary and 2) for the next week i will continue to look at each and every clock wondering if this is in fact the correct time. I keep deducting an hour as the clock turns. It has been 7:30 a.m. for hours. As I write this there are 2 clocks looking at me saying 10:35 a.m. and but really I know it's a lie. Now that I think about it, maybe I do like daylight savings time, I mean I get to pick what time it is under the pretence that I actually don't have any idea of what time it is.

Bryan just hit me over the head with a clock and then threw a watch at me. He said I'm ridiculous, I can just look at my phone and I will know what time it is since it does it automatically...or does it, Bryan? We'll see who shows up to work on time tomorrow, we will see.

semi-confessions of an almost shopaholic (but i'm really well-dressed.)

You know that old saying "your eyes are too big for your stomach" suggesting that you shouldn't get more food than you will eat? well in my case it should be "my bank account is much too small for my closet," as I have discovered since a) being married and b) sharing a bank account. t's not that sharing the bank account is a burden -- we are really good at sharing. Well, Bryan is good at sharing. But the thing I don't like is Bryan can see where his share of the money is going. That is what I am not so comfortable with. It's getting hard to cover up the multiple trips to Target and an occasional Anthropologie charge with the excuse of "we needed groceries." I'm pretty sure that I've conditioned Bryan to think that "do you want to starve???" means "i need a new cardigan."

I suppose I should just avoid malls, shopping centers, outlet stores, county fair's and bazaars, garage sales and side of the road vendors from now on. Or maybe Gap and J.Crew will start carrying perishable goods.

25 and growing.

No more beating around the bush. I am getting old. In the wake of my 25th birthday, i've been thinking a lot about how things have changed. I mean this side of 10 years ago I was excited to get my period and now I countdown the days to the next Hiroshima to which I refer to it with names of movies like "There will be blood" or "Rambo". I now realize that it's not just an unfertilized egg but yet another future family member that bit the dust. When I say these things, most people say I'm crazy -- that I'm at my pinnacle of youth. But I feel it, old age that is. I feel it creeping on. So I decided to do what I do best. I decided to make a list of things of things that prove that I have turned 1 year older:

I now HAVE TO use a sleep mask, ear plugs and tylenol pm to go to sleep at night.

While bathing our dogs for 20 minutes, I was bent over the bathtub for so long that I literally couldn't stand back up.

I don't think mom jeans are all that bad anymore. If you have the real estate, what's wrong with a 9-inch zipper?

I was actually sad that the only Luby's in town shut down this past week. Where am I going to get square fried fish now?

The other day I thought to myself "Those youngsters drive too fast!" and then I peed in my adult diaper.

At a restuarant the other day, I was tempted to only tip the waiter a dollar.

I see the importance of an elasticized waist band.

I've started keeping hard candy at my desk and around our house and insist on anyone that enters in must have one.

There really is nothing better than peace and quiet and a good ol' Murder She Wrote marathon.

I've thrown out using the conventional internet and returned to my tried and true AOL account. I've also got a new email address at juno.com. Let me know if you are intersested in being on my forward list.

So there it is -- 25 years old. So with each year down, more wrinkles shows up. I guess it's not so bad. In about 30 years, I'll be able to get discounts at movie theaters and hotels as a reward for having bad knees and a bald spot.

oh look -- is that another random mole? Happy birthday to me.

in the time of love and code.

As i was working on some html for a super secret project, I was getting very frustrated. As I began to google "html for dummies", I asked Bryan: "Who do you think even wrote HTML?" His response:

"I don't know, some virgin."

Cruel, no? I just know that there is a script-loving virgin out there softly crying into his wireless keyboard.