Note to Self

You can't tell your husband to quit farting in the house with the phrase "this isn't a barnyard" when your house in fact looks like a barnyard.

You also can't get mad when your husband retorts "yeah, this isn't a barnyard...yet."

He's right. And he's being nice about it by using the word 'yet'. You really shouldn't have put those bales of hay up as decoration.

Happiest Place on Earth?

We went to Disney World this past weekend. In the Finding Nemo aquarium/ride at Epcot, we stood for a while watching the ocean life swim past the large window. It was beautiful to see a world that you typically don't get to see. Varieties of fish, a sting ray, and jelly fish swam by all in perfect harmony with each other. A dolphin playfully stayed by our window so that we could get a full up-close view of him. Turns out the dolphin was ready to go. And by ready to go I mean he had a boner.

I guess it really is the happiest place on Earth.

Bend and Snap

It's happened. I just did the inevitable mom bend-over. I knew this would happen one day, but not so soon. You know what I'm talking about -- the most un-sexy, pragmatic bend over possible. You aren't familiar? Let me explain.

Drop something small while standing.
Prepare your knees, they should be shoulder-width apart. The wider, the better.
Bend not only at your knees but also at your hips, keeping your legs wide. You should be able to stick your head in between and wave if necessary.
Make sure your butt is sticking straight up and out. Also, this will make you look about 30 lbs heavier, instantly.
Stay in this position for 10 or more seconds.
Do this right in front of your husband. He will pretend to ignore you, but his mind is ensuring the suspicions that the best years are now in the past. 

Three years of marriage and I've lost all of the sexy I borrowed from the TBS-edited episodes of Sex in the City. I brought sexy back just to put sweatpants on her and pull her unwashed hair into a tight, uneven bun.

The mister is doomed.

those kind of girls

"Do you remember ring watches?"

"What?"

"You know watches that girl's wore on their fingers."

"I didn't hang out with those kind of girls."

Little did my husband know that he married one of those kind of girls. Wait till he sees my Beanie Baby collection from 6th grade. Ahhh snap.

Aunt of the Year

While playing with my two-year old nephew on Christmas Eve morn, I got a toy car stuck in my hair.

No one, not even the toddler, was amused. You should also note that the car was not hurt, nor was anyone under the age of 5. Just my pride and about two inches of hair.

I know what you're thinking. The whole "run the car up your hair" trick usually works with kids. Well, this time it didn't. Neither did the "let's-not-tell-your-mom-that-aunt-Kendi-got-pulled-over" quiet game. Moving toy parts and law enforcement officials are one of many reasons we don't have kids.

To the guy who works at the front counter of our gym:

We went to the gym 4 times last week. We only saw you once. Please do not say "I only saw you once this  week, I thought you guys were giving up already?" and then wink at us. You see, that would be like me saying "I only saw you once this week. I though you got fired. Or killed." And then not winking.

Winking doesn't take the aggressive out of passive-aggressive. Neither does writing about it on a blog that you don't read.

Touche. 

I want to be a hippie, but modern medecine makes it so hard.

For the last 4 days, I've felt the sickness creep in. And I have tried every homeopathic remedy in the book. Today, the good fight is over. I'm about to load up on every OTC medicine there is available, no matter what it remedies.

Drugs taken so far today: 5

It's only a matter of time before the hallucinations begin.

Good News, Bad News

It's a constant battle of good vs. evil in our house.

I asked my husband what he wants for lunch...

I hope he says dirty dishes. That would be easy.

things they don't tell you when you get married #35

Do not iron your husband's clothes. You start one day as a favor, to be nice. And to be honest he did the dishes so it was a nice exchange. WRONG. He will use his cute little husband face and take advantage of your housewife skills and your low tolerance for saying no to him and he will ask you to iron his outfit every day.

This is why I don't make dinner every night, he'd get in the habit of liking it. This is precisely why.

Life is not a competition.

The best part of living in a retirement community is that I am the fastest one on the walking trail. I speed by the canes and the tennis-ball footed walkers and I don't even break a sweat. Until lap two, I break a sweat on lap two.

Life is not a competition. But if it was, I would totally win at walking. Probably not in my age group, but in the 70+ age group I would be a champion.

wait...that's not an apology

Bryan and I got in a fight the other day. This is how it went.

"Well, I am sorry....that you were wrong."

"I am sorry as well...that you are stupid."

"I'm sorry you don't know what you're talking about."

"I'm sorry that you don't comprehend what I say."

"Apology accepted."

"Me too."

Then we hugged and got some frozen yogurt. All's well that ends well.